I am truly grateful for my brothers who were the pallbearers for Ben. There was something so comforting about having them there. This last picture is especially tender for me. Four wonderful brothers. I feel so lucky.
(This picture was taken in Florida while my parent's were serving their mission.)
One of Kaleb's biggest loss in life (besides losing you) was not being able to share a room with you. I can't tell you how many times he would cry himself to sleep telling me how unfair it was that he didn't have a brother that could sleep with him. He wanted so badly to share his room with you.
(Mount Washington Hotel, NH)
So whenever we could, we would let him sleep with you. Sometimes it would be while traveling. As long as I was in the same room with both of you it worked. (I needed to be close so that I could help you if you needed me) Other times we would let Kaleb fall asleep with you by his side and then move you when Daddy and I were ready for bed. We did the best we could to make your older brother feel like just that...an older brother.
It has become some of his favorite memories...simply sharing your bed. (and I can't help but chuckle because the two of you have MATCHING expressions in all three pictures...you must be from the same gene pool!)
Last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about you. And when I think about you, I start crying. And when I start crying I can't breathe. And when I can't breathe, I have to get up. And because I have to get up, I can't sleep. It's a vicious circle...one that I didn't cycle out of until 2am. This morning my head is pounding and my eyes are puffy. It's not a pretty sight. I think I'll hide from the world today.
I received some more funeral pictures from a friend this weekend. I finally got a chance to look at them last night. These two pictures were hard to see. I look at them and think, "Is that REALLY me? Did I REALLY lose my child?" Looking at the pictures, it just seems so surreal. The first one we were walking behind his casket after the funeral. The second we were walking to his burial service.