Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Saturday, July 23, 2011


I drove into the driveway this morning...saw the buds had opened,  walked over to see them and cried.  
"Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth...
I'm grateful that Ben doesn't have to suffer anymore..but how I miss him.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Whenever Ben was in the hospital - which was very often - my favorite place to be was in his bed.  He loved hanging out with me and I him. This picture is a treasure.  (thanks to one of his nurses that commandeered my camera)  Being in the hospital was exhausting, sleep was almost non-existent.  But there were moments where I'd give in to the exhaustion and catch a few moments of sleep.  Ben was always so patient during those times.  
How I miss him...

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I don't even know what to call this post.  "I miss him every.single.minute of"?  Or "This is HARD"?  I just feel like I'm being redundant.  But it's true.  And it doesn't change.  Not since he left my presence.  Not since he left my side.  Not since he left my arms.  Today the pain is unbearable.  It's like that some days.  Other days I just repress it.  Today, actually last night, the flood gates opened.  When I saw that picture of the post below...the one a friend sent to me, it opened up some raw emotions that I've kept locked up for awhile.  So today my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from missing Ben.  I stare at his pictures, I smell his clothing, I rub his socks against my cheeks, I spin his hat around on my fingers wishing it was resting on his cute head instead.  
It's amazing to me that I can sit here and think..."I can't believe that THIS is my life".  It's been over a year and when I actually think about it, it still seems surreal.  "Is he REALLY gone?  Has it REALLY been over a year?  Does it ever get easier?"  Probably not.  People say it does, but the hurt is just as great, if not greater than the day that I lost him.  And since I can't hold on to HIM, I'm grateful for all the tangible things that I CAN hold onto while he's apart from me, like his socks and his hat.  And until I can be reunited with him, I'll just keep missing him, every.second of  

Saturday, July 2, 2011


A friend sent this to me today.