Benjamin McKay Orton

CALEB MOODY

2012-02-11T13:07:00.001-05:00

Best friends on earth...and now in Heaven.

Please take good care of Caleb, Ben.

STAY TUNED...

2011-12-30T22:57:00.000-05:00

Ever since your departure from this earth, I have been trying really hard to "Let the Spirit Guide" in my life. It was my new years resolution for 2011. So many blessings have come because of this choice that I have made. Brady is a perfect example of that choice. He has blessed our family in ways that I never would have imagined. And now again our lives are about to change...and only because I have chosen to follow the promptings of the Spirit. We are excited and ready. I know that this is right for our family Ben, and I know that you are close by...cheering us on.

THE BOYS

2011-12-22T13:26:00.002-05:00

We aren't the ONLY ones...

2011-12-14T11:31:00.003-05:00

thinking about you during this difficult season of missing you.

Thank you dear Lisa King.

It made my heart smile.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR...

2011-12-01T22:04:00.004-05:00

Today is December 1st. I've thought about you lots today. I'm having a harder time again, now that Christmas is nearing. Sunday is our annual Make-A-Wish party and it's so painful not having you with us. I love you Benny! I miss your cute, skinny legs in these striped pajamas, and your LONG eyelashes.

NOVEMBER 29, 2011

2011-11-29T10:15:00.011-05:00

(this picture was taken May 29, 2010)

Today marks 18 months since you left this earth.

My heart still aches for you Ben.

BRADY...MEET BEN.

2011-11-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know they've already met (in heaven) ...but he's never been to his grave. So on our trip home from Utah we stopped briefly. I didn't stay long because it was cold and I was tired. I just wanted Brady to meet Ben...again.

ANOTHER DREAM...

2011-10-26T23:15:00.000-04:00

About a month ago I had a really great dream about you Ben. I was in some strange (and really big fancy house) with a lot of other mom's and their babies. (Brady and the kids were with me) I remember at one point I was panicky because all of a sudden you weren't with me, so I asked the kids where you were and they didn't know. I ran around this unfamiliar house looking for you because I knew that you should not be alone in case you needed suctioning or other kinds of help. I entered this room full of car seats and there you were, sitting in your car seat waiting for me. And I remember your suction machine was turned on and running next to you because I immediately worried about the battery draining - so I turned it off. I scooped you right up, just like I used to do, and told you how much I missed you! That's when you looked right into my eyes with the cutest smile EVER and said, "I ate lettuce". I remember being completely shocked that you had just spoken to me. And at the same time I was laughing and in my cutesy voice said to you, "BEN! Who fed you lettuce?" You never answered but I wasn't too concerned because my next thought was to hurry and find the other kids so that I could tell them what happened. I finally found them and told them, "You've GOT to hear this, Ben talked." At which point I said, "Come on Ben...show them how you can talk!" That's when he turned and looked right into Kaleb's eyes and said, "I love you Bubby!" and then turned to the rest of us and said, "I ate lettuce!" And we all laughed. (and then I woke up)

This dream came at a time when I think Kaleb really needed it. He's had a hard couple of months. I feel like it was Ben's way of communicating through me, the love that he has for his brother. I shared this with Kaleb and by the end we were both teary. As for the lettuce part? It still makes me laugh. I have no idea what the meaning of THAT was, but this I do know...that Ben's love for his brother is REAL and so powerful.

KING NOAH

2011-10-08T16:41:00.001-04:00

It's amazing how you can fall in love with a little boy that you've never met...that's how I feel about Noah. Ben brought me into the "King's world" soon after he passed away. Lisa and I became instant friends. We even found we had SO much in common. It's a good thing we live on different sides of the world because I fear we would be trouble together. :) Noah became sick a week ago. His little body finally gave out and he returned home to his Heavenly Father. My heart has been so heavy this morning knowing that my dear friend is feeling the same pain that I felt over a year ago. It brings my heart some comfort knowing that Ben was there to welcome him home. We love you Lisa. We love your amazing family. We pray for Heavenly Father's loving arms to surround you during this most difficult time.

BRADY AND BEN'S BAG

2011-09-28T15:12:00.000-04:00

It's a good fit.

I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK...

2011-08-31T09:51:00.000-04:00

That YOUR hands were in this...

Welcome to our family Brady Steven Orton

VISITING YOU....

2011-08-21T17:49:00.001-04:00

I was in town Friday and snuck down to see you Ben. It was just me and you...all by ourselves. That doesn't happen very often. I talked to you, cried over you and even lay next to you for awhile. (that is until an older man stopped in his truck, afraid that I had fainted or something because I wasn't moving) He moved on after he saw that I was okay...at least on the outside. I miss you Ben. I physically miss your being. I miss holding you, touching you, taking care of you. It still seems so surreal when I'm sitting at your grave, that this is my life now...without you in it.

I LOVE you Ben!

FOR YOU BEN...

2011-07-27T21:44:00.001-04:00

I MISS YOU!

BEN'S LILIES

2011-07-23T12:49:00.001-04:00

I drove into the driveway this morning...saw the buds had opened, walked over to see them and cried.

"Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth..."

I'm grateful that Ben doesn't have to suffer anymore..but how I miss him.

XOXO

2011-07-10T18:45:00.000-04:00

Whenever Ben was in the hospital - which was very often - my favorite place to be was in his bed. He loved hanging out with me and I him. This picture is a treasure. (thanks to one of his nurses that commandeered my camera) Being in the hospital was exhausting, sleep was almost non-existent. But there were moments where I'd give in to the exhaustion and catch a few moments of sleep. Ben was always so patient during those times.

How I miss him...

MISUBEN!

2011-07-03T17:36:00.002-04:00

I don't even know what to call this post. "I miss him every.single.minute of every.single.day"? Or "This is HARD"? I just feel like I'm being redundant. But it's true. And it doesn't change. Not since he left my presence. Not since he left my side. Not since he left my arms. Today the pain is unbearable. It's like that some days. Other days I just repress it. Today, actually last night, the flood gates opened. When I saw that picture of the post below...the one a friend sent to me, it opened up some raw emotions that I've kept locked up for awhile. So today my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from missing Ben. I stare at his pictures, I smell his clothing, I rub his socks against my cheeks, I spin his hat around on my fingers wishing it was resting on his cute head instead.

It's amazing to me that I can sit here and think..."I can't believe that THIS is my life". It's been over a year and when I actually think about it, it still seems surreal. "Is he REALLY gone? Has it REALLY been over a year? Does it ever get easier?" Probably not. People say it does, but the hurt is just as great, if not greater than the day that I lost him. And since I can't hold on to HIM, I'm grateful for all the tangible things that I CAN hold onto while he's apart from me, like his socks and his hat. And until I can be reunited with him, I'll just keep missing him, every.second of every.single.day.
xoxo

EVERYDAY.

2011-07-02T19:20:00.000-04:00

A friend sent this to me today.

B.E.N.J.A.M.I.N (by Stevie)

2011-06-09T09:18:00.001-04:00

Best brother in the whole wide world

Extra special
Never ever naughty
Just as cute as can be
All I ever could ask for and more
Mine and always will be
I love him to the ends of the earth and back for eternity
Nothing can take him away from me
(found this on my computer today...it made my heart smile)

VISITING...

2011-06-06T14:42:00.000-04:00

I took an impromptu visit down south this past weekend to see my parents and Ben. It was a beautiful day. Remember the yellow lilies my parents had planted the weekend before? (see previous post) The blossoms were GONE as a result of some serious hurricane like weather. No worries, my mom's always got flowers up her sleeve. We brought more down to the grave to spruce it up a bit.

I love that mother of mine!

FLOWERS FOR BEN, FLOWERS FOR ME!

2011-06-01T08:18:00.000-04:00

My parents and many friends were so good to visit Ben's grave this weekend while we were up in Vermont. They added some nice greenery and yellow lilies to his marker. It's looking really beautiful.

And I came home to THESE on Tuesday. The colors are so cheery!

Thank you April and Emily.

xoxo

IN MEMORY OF...

2011-05-30T15:20:00.000-04:00

We feel so blessed. So many notes, cards, emails, facebook messages, gifts in the mail from people who love and care about us. We continue to marvel at the impact Ben has had on people's lives....ALL.OVER.THE.WORLD! Thank you for making this first anniversary special. For helping us to make it through one more day. We couldn't do it without you!!!

(This "B" charm came all the way from Australia and this picture frame and picture from another dear friend.)

One year closer to being with you again...

WITH LOVE FROM GRAMPY

2011-05-15T15:44:00.000-04:00

Have you ever looked at something amazing, beautiful or inspiring and had whatever it was that you were looking at or hearing just come alive inside of you? Have you ever felt the absence of love inside of you and then compared it to a time when you felt the pure love of another for you and realized that the feelings that come at times like those are like sacred moments that are hard to describe for someone else unless they too have had the same experience? Have you ever held something or someone so precious to you that letting go seemed like a part of you was now missing? Have you ever held someone so pure and precious and totally incapable of caring for themselves that you realized for a tiny moment you were what preserved the gift of life for them - - like a new born infant? Imagine if you will being able to hold and care for a newborn infant that never grew old and never stopped needing the constant love and nurturing that made it possible to sustain that life. In a way, that was what it was like to know Ben. Holding him, touching him, caressing him, kissing him and just being able to look at him seemed to confirm that life itself was so uniquely precious that you were holding the gift of life itself in your arms. He was somewhat deformed and yet he seemed perfect in every respect. He was unable to speak and yet he conveyed a sense of being and purpose that could not be expressed in words. He could not see and yet it was as if holding him allowed you to see through his eyes and look at things we can't see with our mortal eyes - things like love and

the purpose of life and the eternal nature of the soul. He could not touch or sense touching, yet the act of holding him or touching him was like being given a momentary gift of being able to feel in a very physical way his spirit and to know that he was aware of being loved and wanted.

So Ben was life-changing - and life confirming - not by knowledge you come by in a book or from a teacher, but from the very source of life itself, from God the Eternal Father. How fortunate we all were to know Ben, even if it was just for a moment in time. Thank-you Heavenly Father.

MOTHER'S DAY

2011-05-09T18:25:00.000-04:00

I celebrate my kids on earth...

AND in heaven.

not just on Mother's day...but every day.

I LOVE YOU

2011-05-05T07:16:00.000-04:00

I had a dream about you last night...only I can't remember all the details. But knowing you were in my dreams makes me feel better. Your year date is coming up fast. I'm starting to get anxious about it. I still can't believe this is my life...that you are gone. Every minute of every day my heart and my soul aches for you. I love you to the moon and back!

HE IS LEGEND...

2011-04-22T14:10:00.000-04:00

I was over at Dartmouth today with Kaleb. We were in their brand new building for out patient surgery. (across the street from the hospital) Even though it was a brand new building, one that we had never stepped foot in before today...there were a lot of the same friends that moved into this new unit. It was good to see them. We were welcomed so lovingly. The nurse and tech that took care of Kaleb were outstanding, but I already knew that because they had taken care of Ben many times before in that same setting. The anesthesiologist was a new face for me. Our nurse told her, "You have a gift this morning." She looked at our nurse kind of puzzled. What she meant (and clarified) was that WE were that gift. She told the anesthesiologist, "What a gift it is to be able to take care of this amazing family." She went on to talk about Ben and how he is legend around campus. I was touched. I love being able to entrust my children to people who LOVE us and CARE for us. And how much easier it makes going back to the place that holds so many tender memories for me. After the surgery, she wheeled Kaleb out to my car, gave me a BIG hug and told me that she hopes she doesn't have to see us there anytime soon, but if we need to be there...she would be so THRILLED to have us. Thank you Ben, for being the legend that you are!

2011-04-05T21:07:00.000-04:00

HAPPY 9TH BIRTHDAY BENNY!

2011-04-04T07:47:00.000-04:00

Wish you were here to celebrate with us...

Stevie and the Elephant

2011-03-30T20:25:00.000-04:00

Benny was MY constant sidekick, and the elephant was his. I saw this picture the other day. (bottom right) I asked a lady where she got it, she didn't know. It made me think of Stevie because she often draws and paints herself next to a giant elephant, symbolizing her relationship with Ben. The other day a friend sent me one of those emails with cute pictures in it. This picture was in the email. I love it because it reminds me of Stevie and her brother...I love it because so does she.

10 Months today

2011-03-29T21:57:00.001-04:00

My heart is so sad tonight. I don't look at Ben's blog too often anymore because it's so, so hard. But when I have a quiet minute and am missing him terribly, I sit and look. And then I cry. And then I sob. I cry so hard I can't breathe. And then my husband walks in the door. Thank goodness. He put his arms around me as we sit together and look...and then we both cry. Oh the pain. This picture makes my arms ache and my heart hurt, but I'm really grateful I have it because looking at it reminds me of how I used to feel while holding Ben. Look how peaceful we are. I miss that boy.

FROM YOUR DAD...

2011-03-24T07:02:00.001-04:00

Oh if the words that are in my head would flow down into my fingers. I have never been a man that could use the written word to express my self, a talent that I have worked at hiding under my bushel. But here I sit feeling impressed to put my thoughts down on paper.

Let me start with the sweet message that I read this morning on Ben’s blog. (see previous post) Have you ever had that moment where the spirit touches you most unexpectedly and you find your self reaching for something or someone? I sit this morning with 750 students moving around me and the many tasks that await me and all I want to do is reach into my computer screen and hold my boy whose pictures I gaze at.

There have been moments, sweet moments that I will cherish over the past 8 years. Ben has never been far from my thoughts or heart, our home is a constant reminder of our eight year blessing. I love these constant reminders of his life and the love he gave. But every once in a while I find my self over come with emotion thinking of him.

I find it odd as to what makes these feeling boil to the surface. A few Sundays ago I was sitting in our regular seat in church. A wonderful woman who is wheelchair bound was in front of us in the spot reserved for handicaps where Ben’s chair used to be. About half way through the meeting I had my head down when I looked up and saw the back of her wheel chair and for one split second Ben was back, and that this had all been a bad dream. Then in that same second my heart sank and reality flooded in and there I sat washed over by the emotions of a lost son.

I have not had a dream of Ben since he went to his Father in Heaven which is part of the heavy heart today, I don’t know why that is. I’ve never felt like I needed one or that I need to pray for one until today.

I have often thought of what Ben looks like today as he stands, walking amidst those to whom he was called home to teach. I am grateful more today then ever for the plan that will allow me the opportunity to see and hug and be hugged by my son Benjamin Mckay Orton ..

MY DREAM

2011-03-16T09:34:00.004-04:00

Benny, I had a dream about you last night. You were still in your earthly body and I was taking care of you in the hospital. There was a certain doctor in the room observing us and I was showing him how I loved to wrap and swaddle you, even as you got older. He smiled and I know he was thinking how lucky you were to be so loved. And then YOU smiled. I know you knew how much I loved you. (and still do) I remember feeling such joy as I was in that moment taking care of you. And then I woke up. It's always hard to wake up. But it felt good to be near you again, feeling so truly happy being in your presence.

Please visit again soon...

xoxo Mom

As life goes on...

2011-03-11T08:50:00.001-05:00

...I can't help but really feel the void. I miss having you by my side at every game, at every function, at every activity. Wherever I was, you were right there beside me. I miss how much work it was just to get you out the door every day. The way I had to plan ahead so that I had time to dress you in your warm clothes with your cute hats that accentuated your already LARGE cheeks. I miss loading you into your wheelchair (even though you were getting really heavy). I miss pushing you out the door and right into your van where I would lock your chair into place and buckle you up tight so that you would be safe. I miss having to look for parking spaces big enough (because the handicap spaces weren't always available) so that your ramp could come down. I miss being in public because people were always so kind to you.

I just plain miss you Ben...

THE WORK...

2011-02-26T15:00:00.001-05:00

is done. ;)

We love you Ben!

MOTHER LOVES YOU BEN!

2011-02-18T21:15:00.007-05:00

Today my dad came to see me in the hospital. (see my other blog)

He brought a lovely poem he had written this week for me.

It was so beautiful that I wanted to share with my blog friends.

Thanks again Dad! I feel so lucky to have received this gift!

xoxo

Mother Loves You, Ben

It would take ten thousand kisses

Just to show how much she misses

You all the days you are gone

It would take ten thousand days

Just to tell you of all the ways

She wants to touch you again

It would be ten thousand blessings

Just to feel her hands caressing

Your angel face one more time

And it could take ten thousand years

Just to count up all of her tears

That she has cried just for you

She would climb ten thousand stairs

She would say ten thousand prayers

To hold your hands once again

Yes, she would walk ten thousand miles

Just to embrace you for awhile

And feel you breathing on her

It could take ten thousand wishes

Just to give you all the kisses

She has saved up just for you

She would wait ten thousand years

She would cry ten thousand tears

She would climb ten thousand stairs

She would say ten thousand prayers

Just to hold you again

Just to see you again

Just to love you again

Written by Grampy Hutchins

February 14, 2011

8 Years of LOVE

2011-02-15T12:24:00.003-05:00

In honor of Valentine's Day yesterday...

xoxo

FEELING IT...

2011-02-07T19:53:00.001-05:00

Today has been a hard day as I found out that sweet LILY passed away yesterday. This is the second daughter Erin has lost in about two years. My heart is sad for her. It makes me miss Ben even more, if that is even possible. Please take a minute to send her some warm thoughts and prayers. I remember all of the kind words that people sent me...it certainly lifted my spirits to know that we were so deeply loved.

Missing you so much Benny!

xoxo

8 Months

2011-01-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

(these were taken before funeral started)

8 months of missing you...

Ben's Uncles

2011-01-23T22:10:00.000-05:00

I am truly grateful for my brothers who were the pallbearers for Ben. There was something so comforting about having them there. This last picture is especially tender for me. Four wonderful brothers. I feel so lucky.

YOUR BIG BROTHER

2011-01-16T16:01:00.005-05:00

(This picture was taken in Florida while my parent's were serving their mission.)

One of Kaleb's biggest loss in life (besides losing you) was not being able to share a room with you. I can't tell you how many times he would cry himself to sleep telling me how unfair it was that he didn't have a brother that could sleep with him. He wanted so badly to share his room with you.

(Mount Washington Hotel, NH)

So whenever we could, we would let him sleep with you. Sometimes it would be while traveling. As long as I was in the same room with both of you it worked. (I needed to be close so that I could help you if you needed me) Other times we would let Kaleb fall asleep with you by his side and then move you when Daddy and I were ready for bed. We did the best we could to make your older brother feel like just that...an older brother.

(Kaleb's bedroom)

It has become some of his favorite memories...simply sharing your bed.
(and I can't help but chuckle because the two of you have MATCHING expressions in all three pictures...you must be from the same gene pool!)

SOMEONE'S MISSING YOU...

2011-01-05T21:54:00.002-05:00

Someone's missing you terribly tonight...

LAST NIGHT

2011-01-03T07:53:00.000-05:00

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about you. And when I think about you, I start crying. And when I start crying I can't breathe. And when I can't breathe, I have to get up. And because I have to get up, I can't sleep. It's a vicious circle...one that I didn't cycle out of until 2am. This morning my head is pounding and my eyes are puffy. It's not a pretty sight. I think I'll hide from the world today.

I received some more funeral pictures from a friend this weekend. I finally got a chance to look at them last night. These two pictures were hard to see. I look at them and think, "Is that REALLY me? Did I REALLY lose my child?" Looking at the pictures, it just seems so surreal. The first one we were walking behind his casket after the funeral. The second we were walking to his burial service.

I miss you Benny!

MERRY CHRISTMAS BEN!

2010-12-25T13:08:00.002-05:00

A Christmas Visit.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2010-12-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

HE BELIEVES

2010-12-24T10:49:00.000-05:00

These are two of my most FAVORITE Christmas pictures of Ben. This was two years in a row with the Make-A-Wish Santa Claus. Very magical. What I wouldn't give to have this time back with him.

HO HO HOMEBOY

2010-12-23T09:41:00.001-05:00

I love him.

2005

2010-12-22T14:08:00.000-05:00

Ben has some serious hat head here. His hair makes me laugh. I also love that he's thinking Santa's a little sketchy. (can you blame him?) He can smell a fake a mile away! :)

2004

2010-12-21T14:12:00.000-05:00

Ben promised Santa that he had been a really, really good boy.

I think Santa already knew that. :)

CHRISTMAS PAST

2010-12-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

This week I'm going to post pictures of Christmas past.

This was Ben's first Christmas...8 months old.

Bubble blowing Ben.

He's pretty darn cute, eh?

BENNY'S GRAVE

2010-12-18T23:08:00.002-05:00

Today I was shopping in Walmart when a friend of mine sent me this picture. The tears started to flow. WHY am I always in that store during tender moments? At least this time I wasn't anywhere near the Men's underwear aisle. It makes my heart warm to know that Ben is being watched over when I'm not there. Even though I've seen his grave a number of times, it still takes my breath away. What's hard is seeing the frosty grass. I know I've mentioned it before, but it's so hard to know his little body is so cold, especially this time of year. I know his spirit isn't there and I know he's not really cold, but it's still painful. We've never really gone anywhere on Christmas day in the past, but this year we'll be leaving first thing in the morning to head down his way. It will probably be the hardest visit yet...

MEMORIES

2010-12-17T13:41:00.000-05:00

Today I'm grateful for memories. I'm grateful that we made many with you, knowing that you wouldn't always be here with us. Whenever I see this picture, I think of the anticipation of going on your Make-A-Wish trip to Disney World. None of us had EVER been before. Thanks to you we were able to take the whole family down for a once in a lifetime vacation. It was hard work getting you ready to go. Your trip had to be post-poned 3 or 4 times due to the fact that you were really sick and in the hospital. The Dr.'s even thought you might not make it. It was a scary time, but the thought of going somewhere warm and fun with you and the kids kept us hopeful. After a 40 day hospital stay we finally got to take you home. (vent and all...just in case you needed it) It was overwhelming but I was so determined to make it work. We left 2 days after coming home from Dartmouth. See how good you look in this picture? (besides the fact that you are tired) This was right before we walked out the door to head to Florida. Thanks for so many good memories Ben. I need them, especially this month.

xoxo

Mommy

KALEB

2010-12-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

I don't always hear much from Kaleb when it comes to Ben. He tends to keep it on the inside mostly. But I always know he's thinking of him. He came home last night and woke me up to show me this picture that he had colored for Ben.

My letter to you....

2010-12-07T14:01:00.002-05:00

Benjamin,

I miss you terribly. Sunday we went to the Make-A-Wish Christmas party without you. That was hard. I got most of my tears out in the beginning when I saw your wish granters. I just couldn't help it. They were a big part of your life, enabling you and the rest of your family to do such fun things together. I'm so thankful for those memories and that they made it possible. After the tears we jumped right into action, helping where we could and just enjoying the spirit that was there. Your brother and sisters had a wonderful time - no surprise there. We even got to be on the news because of YOU. I will never turn away an opportunity to talk about you...even if it means that I have to do it through tears. Today I took your brother up to Dartmouth to see one of YOUR doctors, Dr. Peppin. She was your neuro-opthomologists. Remember her? She is an eye/brain doctor. Since Kaleb has a cyst on his brain, she takes care of him too. She's a little concerned about your brother and thinks he needs to see your most favorite doctor, Dr. Filiano again. It's been over three years since Kaleb has seen him. I smiled inside because you know what? I know he'll take great care of Kaleb and make sure that whatever needs to be done will get done. He's pretty amazing that way. Driving up there always gives me time to reflect on the many trips that we would make up there together. Just me and you. That was our time and I loved it. I loved sharing you with the many nurses and doctor's that took such great care of you. Remember how we would make cinnamon rolls for all your favorites up there and you would wear the Santa hat and we would make deliveries all over DHMC? I did that with your brother this year, except he wouldn't wear the Santa hat, and he didn't really want to make the deliveries either. Silly brother of yours. I missed having you by my side. I miss doing all of these fun things with you. I hope you know that. And I hope you know just how much I miss you and how my love continues to grow for you...

xoxo

Mom

A loving gift

2010-11-28T20:36:00.000-05:00

Junior and Heidi sent our family this lovely Christmas gift. (scroll down) Click on the picture if you want to read the poem or see the ornament better. You might want to grab a tissue or two in case, it's hard to get through it without tearing up. Thank you my dear friends, from the bottom of my heart. We are grateful for such loving and thoughtful friends.

DECORATING BEN

2010-11-24T14:59:00.001-05:00

My parent's are doing a great job keeping Ben's grave festive. My mom bought these pumpkins for Ben's grave a few weeks ago and then today my dad came home with this CUTE Christmas tree. (first Christmas tree to go up in the cemetery by the way) It wasn't until I was standing there, after he secured the tree in place, that I realized Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this will be our first one without Ben. But in the midst of sadness, there is much to be thankful for. I'm so thankful that I was lucky enough to be his mother. And I'm thankful for the knowledge that we will be reunited with him again someday. We love you Benny!

Baclofen Trial

2010-11-20T23:46:00.002-05:00

I was looking back through some of his hospital pictures tonight because GOSH DARN IT I miss him. Tonight I was at a church meeting that happens twice a year. I was sitting with BB and her husband just like I do every time we go to. About 10 minutes before the it started, I realized that it was tradition for me to always bring Ben in his jammies because he LOVED being out with us on our date night. He was welcome company too. Always so well behaved and very quiet. His absence hit me hard. This was the first time we didn't bring him. And then the tears came...and came...and continued for a little while. Thank goodness I wore my hair down and could hide behind it. It's moments like that that hit me completely out of the blue. These pictures made me smile tonight. His baclofen trial was done up on the fifth floor of Dartmouth in a part of the pediatric section called "Pain Free". It's like a version of the OR except way friendlier for children. And because I was a regular there, they were always so good about letting me stay during the procedure. They knew I wouldn't get in their way or faint. They even let me take pictures when they were putting him to sleep. These were taken sometime in 2008. I think I was newly pregnant during this stay and really, really sick. If I remember correctly, I had just had surgery myself the day before to place my port. My favorite picture of this series is the last one. He had been sleeping (due to the anesthesia) for hours and I was sitting by his bed waiting and waiting for him to finally wake up when out of nowhere he opened his big, blue eyes. I always loved seeing those blue eyes of his. They were so beautiful. Looking at these pictures makes me miss all those great people up at Dartmouth. Wishing somehow things would always stay the same but knowing that life doesn't happen that way. And I also know somehow we grow stronger from our ever changing lives, whether we like it or not. So I guess it's a good thing, right? And even though it's really hard, I'm forever grateful for the strength and the growth that I have gained from my earthly experiences because I know I'm one step closer to becoming the person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be.

(even though sometimes I go kicking and screaming)

TRIBUTE TO BEN

2010-11-15T20:33:00.002-05:00

Some of you might know that Steve helped coach the Laconia Varsity Football team last year as well as this year. Because the coaches and players love Steve, they wanted to dedicate this year to Ben. We were honored. The players wore his initials on the back of their helmets in memory of him.

The team had leftover stickers and so Steve brought them home to put on the kid's basketball sneakers. They were really excited to be able to honor Ben while on the court.

Here's to YOU Ben.

GRAVE MARKER

2010-11-09T10:57:00.001-05:00

This process has been tedious. I'm hoping we are almost there. I decided last minute that I wanted to change his picture. I didn't really like how the other one came out and thankfully a good friend of mine convinced me to change it. She reminded me that every time I visited his grave and saw his picture, I would always regret not getting it the way that I really wanted. Sometimes I tend to settle so I was grateful for her advice. I love his picture for a lot of different reasons. I love that she captured his hand with his thumb in between his middle and ring finger. That was classic Ben. It reminds me of his wonderful nurses and caregivers that took such amazing care of him whenever he was in the PICU. (it's a sign for N, nurse) I would love some feedback if you have any.

VISITING MY SON

2010-11-06T17:35:00.000-04:00

I hate that it's getting colder. Even though I know he's not really in the ground, it's hard to know his body is and that I can't do anything to keep him warm. While I was visiting with Ben, I took a knife from the car and dug up the rocks that made the E and the N so that they weren't 'mashed' into the dirt anymore from the big truck that ran them over. It looks much better seeing them on top of the dirt instead of mashed into the dirt. I always try to find something to do while I am there because other wise I just sit and cry the whole time.

Sitting with Ben gives me time to reflect. And I find it so interesting that at this point in my life, who would have thought my path would have led to this? Me, sitting at my son's grave on a cold November evening at the age of 37? It's not anything I ever imagined for myself as I was growing up that's for sure. But you know what? If 8 years was all I got with Ben here on this earth, I'd take it over and over again. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be HIS mother.
I love you Ben, and I miss you just as much.

xoxo

Ben's CUTE factor...

2010-11-01T00:29:00.006-04:00

...is WAY off the charts with these pictures. I loved putting hats on him because they accentuated his CHEEKS. And what marvelous, kissable, squishy cheeks he had...all the way up to the end.

LAST COSTUME

2010-10-31T01:15:00.002-04:00

Happy Halloween everybody. It just isn't the same this year. I miss being able to dress Ben. I loved that even though he didn't really care about Halloween, that he was always a part of the whole experience. This particular year was kind of the grand finale for us. I told the kids it was the last year I was going all out on costumes. Kaleb for years wanted to be a Storm Trooper and so we went with the Star Wars Theme. Kayla was Princess Leia, Stevie was Padme and Ben played the part of a Jedi Master AND Yoda. He pulled both off quite nicely. How I miss that boy of mine. May the force be with you Ben! xoxo

RIBBIT...

2010-10-30T17:44:00.002-04:00

FROGS!

I love frogs.

This was Ben's second Halloween and as you can see,

he was just as happy here as he was during his first year as a skeleton.

(okay, so he wasn't that happy)

But he sure made an adorable little green frog.

Karate Kids

2010-10-29T12:16:00.001-04:00

This was the year that we literally arrived home from a long hospital stay with Ben the day before Halloween. That's when the creative juices (or not) for last minute Halloween costumes start flowing. "How about Karate Kids?" Kaleb was in his 4th year of karate and owned a black and white Gi and Ben had his very own Gi as well. We borrowed one more Gi and had enough to go around. It was about the least exciting costume for Kaleb (poor boy). Probably because he wore his Gi's twice a week. He was a good sport though and went along with the theme.

Today is the 29th. That means 5 months since Ben passed away. It's been a hard day for me. This date seems to hit harder and harder every month.

Mommy's Mummies

2010-10-27T01:56:00.004-04:00

LOVE THIS!

I know...funny, huh?

Not sure how this costume idea came about,

but it make me LAUGH all.the.time!

It's pretty obvious that they are mummies, right?
Well, I had some lady actually ask me if Ben was okay?
(I brought him in to watch the kid's Halloween parade)

She thought something was wrong with him.

I wanted to say,

"It IS the Halloween parade today...
you DO realize Ben's in costume?"

But instead I just told her:
"He's a MUMMY!"

"Oh", she says. "I get it now!"

(my eyes were rolling and my head was shaking)

Some people.
*smirk*

My Bakers

2010-10-25T18:43:00.001-04:00

This is one of the only years I went completely store bought. (actually online) I usually gave Kaleb (my picky one) the choice of what to be for Halloween and he wanted to be a baker. I was shocked. (although, his first choice was a death eater, but I told him nothing evil.) Because Ben had a big surgery in October, I just didn't have the motivation to get all creative. So instead I went online and found THESE cute baker outfits. :) The elementary school always held a parade ever year for Halloween so I baked all my little bakers a pan of cinnamon rolls to carry in the parade that they later shared with their classes. Even Ben carried a pan in his wheelchair. He was cute with his little mustache.

MY FAVORITE COSTUME

2010-10-23T20:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, so they're all my favorite, but this particular year was a blast. I bought all the kids black sweat pants/shirts and a bunch of foam sheets from Walmart. I drew all the bones, cut them out and hot glued them onto the sweat shirts/pants. SIMPLE but so FUN! Poor Ben. He wasn't digging the whole skeleton idea. But as always, he was a pretty good sport.

SCUBA BEN

2010-10-22T15:30:00.002-04:00

This is probably one of my favorite costumes. I LOVE it. I was recovering from Thyroid surgery and then my whole family (except for Ben) got sick the night before Halloween. (H1N1) We evacuated him out of the sick house to BB's house. I give her all the credit for this genius costume. It still makes me laugh.

It's that time of year again....

2010-10-20T22:03:00.001-04:00

The time of year when I got to dress Benny up. It was SO much fun. (at least for me) I thought from now until Halloween, I would dazzle you with some of his costumes from years past. I always get a kick out of this one though.

He sure makes a darn cute pumpkin.

(credit to BB for this one)

Cute Ben!

FALL PHOTO SHOOT (2004)

2010-10-17T22:12:00.001-04:00

These pictures make me laugh.

Ben was SO not into this photo shoot.

Typical boy.

Look closely at his face.

In some he's paying attention to me,

others his looks are anything but stellar.

But that's what makes these pictures so real.

How I love real.
How I love my family.

Check out these beauties!

2010-10-15T14:42:00.000-04:00

Is he the CUTEST three year old you've ever seen?

I thought so. :)

IT'S MY PARTY

2010-10-13T06:16:00.000-04:00

And I'll CRY if I want to.

(and I did)
Because you're not here to celebrate with me.

I'm 37 years old today Ben.

And I'm WAY too young to be with out you.

xoxo

TOGETHER FOREVER

2010-10-12T06:04:00.000-04:00

Thank goodness for Eternal Families.

FAMILY PICTURES

2010-10-06T20:21:00.001-04:00

It certainly isn't the same as having you with us,
but it will have to do.

We love you and miss you so much Benjamin!

FINALLY

2010-10-05T20:02:00.000-04:00

The proof is FINALLY done.
Not sure how I feel about it.
I guess it's kind of bitter/sweet.

I'm hoping to have it in the ground by my birthday.
(some birthday gift, huh?)

Happy 8 1/2 Birthday Benjamin

2010-10-04T21:47:00.001-04:00

Tonight at Family Home Evening (Monday night tradition) we celebrated your 1/2 birthday. It was a quiet celebration, but that's the way I wanted it. I made your favorite cake....carrot cake. And in honor of your 1/2 birthday, I only made 1/2 of a cake. We sang you 1/2 of the Happy Birthday song and just enjoyed being together, although we sorely missed YOU. After I sent everyone to bed, I sat down to watch your memorial video. I haven't really watched it since your funeral. It's just too painful. The music, the pictures, the videos. It's too much to handle knowing that you aren't here anymore. WHY? I know that answer but it is still so very hard to accept. I miss you terribly, my heart is aching so much tonight. I can hardly breathe. I cried more than I have in a long time...more like sobbing. This is HARD! It's hard living without you. It's hard not having you with me every second of every day. It's hard not hearing your beeping machines or noisy vent. I miss the way you would innocently look around, like there was so much to take in. I miss taking YOU in. Wrapping you in my arms and smelling your smell. I just plain miss you. xo

SOBERING VISIT

2010-10-03T21:49:00.001-04:00

It's hard enough visiting your child at the cemetery.

But it makes it MUCH harder when you've seen that someone has carelessly driven right over the top of your child's grave.

My kids were devastated as were we.

What adds to that is the fact that the local company we are dealing with is being SO SLOW in making Ben's grave marker. I'm so frustrated. I would choose to go with another company, but at this point I'm afraid it will set us back that much further. I was really hoping to get it in the ground before the ground freezes.

It was plain sadness all around today...

SOME MORE GEMS

2010-10-02T21:47:00.000-04:00

I'm at my parent's home this weekend. Tonight I was looking at all the pictures on their computer and came across these two pictures that I didn't even know existed. SWEET! And both are happy, smiling pictures. I think he was under two.

Tomorrow I'm heading up to visit him at the cemetery.

I miss that contagious smile.

(sigh)

CUTE BENNY

2010-09-29T19:34:00.002-04:00

I love these pictures.

Wait...I love all pictures of Ben. :)

These are funny to me though because he was sleeping one night and when Steve came home and turned on the light in our room he woke up. Then he wanted to be held. Check out his face telling me that I needed to pick him up. How could you resist holding such a cute boy? I never resisted. I always scooped him up and rocked him back to sleep. How I miss those privileges.

ANOTHER MONTH

2010-09-28T20:29:00.000-04:00

FOUR months. As time passes, it seems as if the "surreal" feeling is wearing off and the "reality" is setting in. Therefore it gets harder with each passing month. I miss him more and more each day. I don't want you to think that I am a walking puddle. I'm not. I cry. Everyday. But it's a little here and a little there. Thankfully my kids keep me busy and active. That leaves little time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Besides, it's too painful. I know Ben is happy with how we are continuing on. We all are pretty adjusted. I don't like our new adjustments, it still feels so unnatural without him. Today I ran around doing errands and visiting people. How easy it was to run from place to place, it didn't use to be like that. It may be easy, but I don't like it. I loved having a constant companion that required much effort. It was my life...and that's the way that I liked it.

SHARING

2010-09-26T21:54:00.000-04:00

I LOVED these pajamas. I bought them for Ben when he was 4 years old. They were much too big for him but I bought them that way purposely so he would have a few years in them. 4 years. He wore these almost every other day. They were perfect for him, so comfortable and warm. And surprisingly enough, they still look brand new. Ben has a friend in Australia named Noah. He reminds me SO much of Ben. We call him the "dark haired Ben". :) He's just a year older but close to the same size. We sent Ben's pj's over seas to Noah because we love him and wanted him to have a piece of Ben's life. Lisa (Noah's mom) sent me this picture today and it made me cry...in a good way. We hope Noah gets many years out of these pj's. They are now the "Brotherhood of the Traveling Pajamas", and Noah wears them well!

2010-09-23T07:23:00.001-04:00

More pictures of cute Ben. I think he was around 2 years old in these pictures. He was easier to throw over my shoulder back then. I could fit his whole body onto my lap. This was probably my favorite age because I carried him everywhere. I cleaned with him in my arms, I cooked with him over my shoulder, I typed letters on the computers while he was on my lap. I could do anything and everything. And then he continued to grow. But how I wouldn't change anything about his growth because that meant he was still with me, I just couldn't carry him as easily, but I still did it. Even up to the very last night....I carried him.

I miss you more and love you deeper.

PURE JOY

2010-09-21T21:17:00.000-04:00

That's what I felt when holding Ben. His favorite place was on my chest and I loved the way his little head fit perfectly under my chin. I could sit for hours like this. How I miss holding my sleeping boy. He was pure joy...still is.

‎"Parents everywhere realize that the most powerful combination of emotions in the world is not called out by any grand cosmic event, nor is it found in novels or history books, but merely by a parent gazing down upon a sleeping child."
Thomas S. Monson

FAMILY SHOOT

2010-09-20T09:16:00.002-04:00

This was two years ago. I regret now not getting another one in last year. It's not always easy getting 6 bodies together, all dressed somewhat matching, with happy countenances and meeting up with your photographer at said location. But I'm grateful for these last pictures together. (thank you EP) It was a fun day. These are some of my favorites...although I have lots more. We have another photo shoot planned in the next couple of weeks and I have some surprises in store. Stay tuned...

BEN-VIE

2010-09-16T19:50:00.002-04:00

I miss this relationship.

Kayla's Experience in her words...

2010-09-13T20:52:00.004-04:00

Kayla Orton

Mrs. Hutchinson

English 9

September 13, 2010

Unforgettable

Have you ever experienced the loss of a loved one? Do you remember all the emotions that hit you all at once on that terrible day? You feel disoriented and small, you feel guilty because you wished you were a better family member or a better friend. I remember thinking "why me?" And "why is this happening to me?" The shock that hits you is like being bulldozed by a train and the pain that you feel is like a whole piece of your heart and soul has been ripped from you body. So many emotions could destroy a person and you would rather die then go through the sadness and pain. I felt all of these the day that my little brother Benjamin slipped from our fingers.

When I got home from school my mother surprised us with a girls weekend over at our Aunt Jenny’s house. My sister and I packed and loaded up my brother Ben in his wheelchair and buckled him in to the car. We drove the two hours in the humid summer weather. I had to sit in the back seat so I could suction my brother I was not very happy about this, because my mother had to wake me from my nap and tell me to suction him. I was annoyed at her and wished that she would leave me alone. When we arrived at my cousin’s house we were welcomed with lots of hugs and exchanging of news. We settled in and hopped back in the car with me Cousin Sarah and we drove ten minutes to Chilies. We had a wonderful time at dinner. My favorite part of the evening was still yet to come, bed! We stayed up very late and just before we slipped off to bed, I went to give Ben a kiss and an ‘I love you’ before we ran up the stairs and fell straight into the covers. And little did I know that my perfect weekend would not be so perfect.

It was May 29^th 2010; it was really early around 4:30 in the morning. I was asleep in my cousin’s bedroom in Lunenburg Massachusetts, when my Aunt Jenny woke me from my peaceful slumber. She pulled me up and wrapped both arms around my shoulders. “Kayla I wanted to tell you that Ben passed away in his sleep last night and your mother wants you with her.” These were the exact words she spoke to me. These were the words that brought down the crushing darkness that swaddled me in a black blanket. No sound emanated form me as I walked down the stairs towards the screaming and the sobbing from my mother. I entered the room to find my mom clutching the lifeless form of my baby brother and rocking back and forth on the bed. I walked towards her as she gazed at me with her bloodshot eyes. I held out my arms and she put Ben into them. I buried my face in his chest and I could smell death and it scared me. My mother wailed and said “I’m so sorry Kayla; I don’t know what to do.” Those words made me sad because I knew it was not my mothers fault that Ben had gone she had no control over what happened. I looked up from Bens face and told my mother that she had no control, it was Ben’s turn to go. I also told her that she didn’t have to do anything because there was nothing she could have done, that these things just happen. My Aunt roused my younger sister and brought her down to my mother and myself. My father and younger brother had not yet heard of Bens passing and we were working on getting the news to him. My Grandparents arrived and that’s when we started to call everyone in the family. Doing that was probably the hardest thing that my mother had to do was call and tell everyone that Ben had died. When my father had finally arrived everybody left the room and let us have some time with Ben. That few minutes were probably the hardest in my life having to say goodbye when you weren’t ready to. But the day will come when he can hold me in his arms and tell me that he loves me and that he lived longer because he felt the love that I had for him. I will wait for that day to come and until then I will be hoping that Ben is watching out for me.

HIS HANDS

2010-09-09T17:57:00.000-04:00

How I miss them.

THIS PICTURE...

2010-09-08T21:13:00.000-04:00

was taken when Ben was 4 years old. Look how cute he is. I love the sweetness and innocence of this picture. I love that he would let me get him all dressed up for his pictures. He was always so patient that way. I love you Benny!

THREE MONTHS

2010-08-31T16:17:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's already been three months. It still doesn't feel real to me. Now I understand exactly what others who have lost children mean by that. I still have daydreams while riding in the car that Ben will be in his beanbag when I arrive home...waiting for me. But then I snap back into reality. Sunday night I had to drive Kaleb up for his sleep study and Dartmouth. It was a hard drive for me because often when I made Sunday night drives to Dartmouth it was to return back to Ben in the PICU after visiting my family for a day. After I got Kaleb settled in, I headed up to the PICU to visit with some old friends of ours. And I cried. The next morning a whole new crew was on and so I went back again. In my pajamas. They were used to seeing me in my pajamas. I could tell they were so happy to see me. And I was happy to see them. And then I cried some more. During one of Kaleb's naps I was walking to the cafeteria to get some water when I bumped into one of Ben's anesthesiologists who LOVED Ben. He was always so loving and fun with him. He stopped me to say hello. And soon after he sort of looks at me and says: "You have a sadness in your eyes, how come?" My heart sinks. I didn't even know how to tell him. I guess I just assume that everyone knows. He looked concerned and then asks, "Oh no...is he in the PICU again?" I shake my head no and then mouth the words "He passed" because I couldn't bear to say them outloud. And that's when the tears come and he hugs me and tells me how sorry he is. Later I venture upstairs to the outpatient part of the hospital where Ben came for his appointments. I went up to visit a PICU nurse that recently took a job with Ben's GI doctor. While I was talking to her, a resident that we saw many times in the PICU must have seen me through the door because he came rushing out and gave me the biggest bear hug I've ever had and told me how sorry he is. And then I cry some more because I am touched and because it is so hard being there without him.

Today Steve gave a father's blessing to all of the children. It's a tradition before the first day of school. It's times like this that hit me the hardest because even though Ben didn't attend school, he still would get a father's blessing from his daddy. It was his privilege. And so my tears flowed again as another special occasion passed. I miss you Benny!

GRAVE MARKERS

2010-08-26T19:37:00.002-04:00

Remember that post I did about Ben's grave marker? Remember how the guy was supposed to get me a rough draft before proceeding? How long ago was THAT?!? He told me in 3 days he'd have it. I would say it's been close to three weeks. I finally drove back down today and walked in with a very irritated look on my face. I didn't have to say anything as the look on his face read GUILTY all over it. It's hard enough having to walk into one of those places, but to have them prolong the whole process is painful. I just want it over with. No more picking out lettering and pictures, deciding what color stone, how big, etc. The only good news is that I changed my mind on a few things so it would have had to be redone anyway. (wait, is that really good news?) I'm just frustrated that there was never any contact made. I'd go somewhere else except he's the only local business. I'm excited to see the finished product though. Scratch that. I'm not really excited. What's exciting about your child's grave marker? Pretty much NOTHING. But I'm looking forward to seeing more than just a patch of weeds and dirt. It will be nice to have his marker done and in the ground. Now I just need to decide what picture we will use. Any opinions on a favorite picture of Ben? :) These are just a few...I would love to know what you would choose.

WORKING OUT

2010-08-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

Steve and I and Ben were hanging out on my bed this particular day. I was wanting to see if I could get a picture of Ben with his head up. He didn't really have control over his head and so usually it would fall down. You can see the success in the third picture. It didn't last very long and as you can see he fell asleep out of exhaustion.

Cute Benny!

FOUND THESE YESTERDAY

2010-08-22T07:44:00.002-04:00

And they made me smile. I remember thinking how cute they looked sleeping on the couch together so I grabbed my camera and took a picture of them. Well, as you can see in the second picture...my flash and/or clicking noise when I snapped the first picture startled Ben awake. I love that wide eyed look that says, "WHAT just happened?" Kaleb wasn't even phased. Just the child that wasn't supposed to see or hear. Cute Benny.

I've been going through all my pictures of Ben, transferring them off of old CD's onto my hard drive so I can access them often. Because when you lose a child, memories and pictures are all you have left. So be prepared for lots of cute pictures to come. :)

WHERE'S BENNY?

2010-08-19T20:35:00.000-04:00

Stevie nick named the Elephant Benny. He came with us today on a hike up Mt. Major. He'll be traveling with us lots so keep an eye out for him. :)

DO YOU EVER...

2010-08-18T16:57:00.003-04:00

...have those times when you come upon something in the store and it CALLS your name? My husband has this happen frequently. And I never believed that it was real. My favorite story was when he was fresh off his mission and was in the store with his mom. He walked by the cutest white GUND polar bear. It was calling his name, or so he claimed. His mom relented and bought that bear for him, he still has it. Yesterday I had to run to the store to pick up an item that I was missing from a recipe. It was a quick trip. As I was hurrying down a particular aisle, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a display basket of stuffed animals. I never pay attention to those things. I'm too cheap. But as I was rushing past, I happened to see a little gray trunk peeking out amongst the sea of animals. I stopped dead in my tracks. I pulled out the cutest little baby elephant. He was calling my name. I can't help but have an affection towards these cute little animals. After all, they remind of Ben. So I bought him, stuck him in my cute little backpack and he now is my constant little friend. I blame Benny.

SAYING HELLO

2010-08-13T19:39:00.000-04:00

I took the girls down to MA to visit Ben this weekend. His grave was overgrown with crabgrass. We cleared it all hoping to get some grass planted soon. I always feel so badly knowing that his grave has nothing on it, no stone or marker. But it's all about money that we don't have right now. So smart little Stevie decided to write his name in stones. I thought she did a great job. It was good to be near him again.

SELF-LESS

2010-08-08T22:54:00.004-04:00

That's how my sister described Ben's passing. She told me that just maybe Ben felt like it was time to give me back to his brother and sisters. I've thought about that a lot. I think she just may be right.

Today I felt like I received my answer. My sweet friend Kathy was over for dinner today. She helped me with Kayla and Kaleb while I was away in Utah with Stevie. She gave them rides and made sure they were where they needed to be. During those few days she spent a lot of time in the car with them. She told me about a particular conversation that she had with Kaleb.

Kaleb mentioned to Kathy how weird it was that all of a sudden mom was out doing everything with them, actually PLAYING with them. "She's even SWIMMING and JUMPING (on the trampoline) with us." It's not that I was neglectful with them, it's just that I was hindered in my activities with them because of the care that Ben needed and required. And they never complained about it either because they loved their brother dearly and would give anything to have him back. It was almost a realization of what they haven't had. And I find it funny that he wasn't able to make the connection as to WHY (as of late) I was out playing with them all of the time. Kathy kindly reminded him why.

And then it clicked.

It was a realization for myself that Ben was being self-less in leaving. I think he knows that my time with his siblings is growing short and that they need more of me. Kayla will be a freshman this year. That's four short years left that I have with her before SHE will be leaving. I'm grateful for my sister and Kathy for helping me to come to this realization. I'm grateful for children who teach me such important lessons while here on this earth. And I'm grateful for my self-less little boy. Now if you'll please excuse me...I'm off to PLAY with my children!

(thank you Benny and how I MISS you...)

HARD THINGS

2010-08-05T19:06:00.001-04:00

Today was one of those days where it required doing something hard. Not my favorite day. Poor Ben has no grave marker. It's something we've put off partly due to the finality of it all and partly due to finances. Boy do those things cost big bucks. I was thinking an average grave marker costs around $150. WRONG. Don't ask me why I assumed, just did. We're looking at more like $600. That's just to put a piece of granite in the ground. Then eventually comes the upright stone. I can't even go there yet. We spent about an hour trying to decide what we want on his marker. I'm glad it's the more simple decision. It will get harder when we buy the upright stone. He'll have his name, birth year, death year and a cute little elephant on the marker. I was trying to decide what we should put on it to represent a part of him and decided he needed to have a little elephant. I can't help but think of Ben when I see them.

They have symbolic meaning as well. Elephants are symbolic of: strength, honor, and patience.

Ben exemplified all of these attributes perfectly.
The company we are using will have a few drafts in the next couple of days so I'll post it when it's available and look forward to your input on which one you like best.

I am excited to know that he'll finally have a marker. It will make visiting him feel a little more complete seeing his name on his spot. We love you Ben.

SPECIAL VISITS

2010-08-03T15:00:00.016-04:00

I love these ladies. Each one of them is living a privileged life. The kind of life I was able to live for eight wonderful years. I miss this life and so being around them has been sort of healing for me. Thank you for taking the time to surround me with your love and with your beautiful children.

FEELING LOVED

2010-08-02T16:30:00.000-04:00

I know that Junior doesn't always take to being held by complete strangers, but I'd like to think that we weren't strangers, even if it WAS the first time meeting him in person. He was happy to let us snuggle and kiss him as much as we wanted. It did my heart some good to feel that weight in my lap again. To remember what it was like to hold my little Ben. Thank you Heidi for sharing your precious boy.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

2010-08-01T01:13:00.000-04:00

Junior got his van today.
His face says it all.

We love you Junior!

We hope you have many years of happy travels in your new van!

STEVIE'S IN THE HOUSE!

2010-07-29T00:35:00.000-04:00

(The Moody House)
Watch out Moody Boy's...

you'll NEVER be the same! :)

We MADE it!

2010-07-28T11:19:00.001-04:00

Day three was the hardest and thankfully the shortest day. We made it to our destination in about 8 hours. Three long states and 650 miles. I suffered from severe "NUMB BUM" the last leg of the trip. We stopped at my brother's house to unload some things and then continued on to April's house. We were greeted so lovingly. AND...there was an elephant to greet us. It was Ben's way of sending his love to me today. Thank you for your well wishes and prayers. They carried us the whole way. Now we anxiously await the arrival of Heidi and Junior. We can't WAIT to meet them!!!