Sunday, October 31, 2010


Happy Halloween everybody.  It just isn't the same this year.  I miss being able to dress Ben.  I loved that even though he didn't really care about Halloween, that he was always a part of the whole experience.  This particular year was kind of the grand finale for us.  I told the kids it was the last year I was going all out on costumes.  Kaleb for years wanted to be a Storm Trooper and so we went with the Star Wars Theme.  Kayla was Princess Leia, Stevie was Padme and Ben played the part of a Jedi Master AND Yoda.  He pulled both off quite nicely.  How I miss that boy of mine.  May the force be with you Ben! xoxo

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I love frogs.
This was Ben's second Halloween and as you can see, 
he was just as happy here as he was during his first year as a skeleton.  
(okay, so he wasn't that happy)  
But he sure made an adorable little green frog.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Karate Kids

This was the year that we literally arrived home from a long hospital stay with Ben the day before Halloween. That's when the creative juices (or not) for last minute Halloween costumes start flowing.  "How about Karate Kids?" Kaleb was in his 4th year of karate and owned a black and white Gi and Ben had his very own Gi as well.  We borrowed one more Gi and had enough to go around.  It was about the least exciting costume for Kaleb (poor boy).  Probably because he wore his Gi's twice a week.  He was a good sport though and went along with the theme.
Today is the 29th.  That means 5 months since Ben passed away.  It's been a hard day for me.  This date seems to hit harder and harder every month.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mommy's Mummies

I know...funny, huh?
Not sure how this costume idea came about,
but it make me LAUGH all.the.time!
It's pretty obvious that they are mummies, right?
Well, I had some lady actually ask me if Ben was okay?
(I brought him in to watch the kid's Halloween parade)
She thought something was wrong with him.
I wanted to say, 
"It IS the Halloween parade today...
you DO realize Ben's in costume?"
But instead I just told her:
"He's a MUMMY!"
"Oh", she says. "I get it now!"
(my eyes were rolling and my head was shaking)
Some people.

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Bakers

This is one of the only years I went completely store bought.  (actually online)  I usually gave Kaleb (my picky one) the choice of what to be for Halloween and he wanted to be a baker.  I was shocked.  (although, his first choice was a death eater, but I told him nothing evil.)  Because Ben had a big surgery in October, I just didn't have the motivation to get all creative.  So instead I went online and found THESE cute baker outfits. :)  The elementary school always held a parade ever year for Halloween so I baked all my little bakers a pan of cinnamon rolls to carry in the parade that they later shared with their classes.  Even Ben carried a pan in his wheelchair.  He was cute with his little mustache.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Okay, so they're all my favorite, but this particular year was a blast.  I bought all the kids black sweat pants/shirts and a bunch of foam sheets from Walmart.   I drew all the bones, cut them out and hot glued them onto the sweat shirts/pants.  SIMPLE but so FUN!  Poor Ben.  He wasn't digging the whole skeleton idea.  But as always, he was a pretty good sport.

Friday, October 22, 2010


This is probably one of my favorite costumes.  I LOVE it.  I was recovering from Thyroid surgery and then my whole family (except for Ben) got sick the night before Halloween.  (H1N1)  We evacuated him out of the sick house to BB's house.  I give her all the credit for this genius costume.  It still makes me laugh.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's that time of year again....

The time of year when I got to dress Benny up.  It was SO much fun.  (at least for me)  I thought from now until Halloween, I would dazzle you with some of his costumes from years past.  I always get a kick out of this one though.  
He sure makes a darn cute pumpkin.
(credit to BB for this one)
Cute Ben!

Sunday, October 17, 2010


 These pictures make me laugh.
Ben was SO not into this photo shoot.
Typical boy.
Look closely at his face.
In some he's paying attention to me,
others his looks are anything but stellar.
But that's what makes these pictures so real.
How I love real.
How I love my family.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Check out these beauties!

Is he the CUTEST three year old you've ever seen?  

I thought so. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


And I'll CRY if I want to.
(and I did)
Because you're not here to celebrate with me.
I'm 37 years old today Ben.
And I'm WAY too young to be with out you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Thank goodness for Eternal Families.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


It certainly isn't the same as having you with us,
but it will have to do.
We love you and miss you so much Benjamin!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


The proof is FINALLY done.
Not sure how I feel about it.
I guess it's kind of bitter/sweet. 
I'm hoping to have it in the ground by my birthday.
(some birthday gift, huh?)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy 8 1/2 Birthday Benjamin

Tonight at Family Home Evening (Monday night tradition) we celebrated your 1/2 birthday.  It was a quiet celebration, but that's the way I wanted it.  I made your favorite cake....carrot cake.  And in honor of your 1/2 birthday, I only made 1/2 of a cake.  We sang you 1/2 of the Happy Birthday song and just enjoyed being together, although we sorely missed YOU.  After I sent everyone to bed, I sat down to watch your memorial video.  I haven't really watched it since your funeral.  It's just too painful.  The music, the pictures, the videos.  It's too much to handle knowing that you aren't here anymore.  WHY?  I know that answer but it is still so very hard to accept.  I miss you terribly, my heart is aching so much tonight.  I can hardly breathe.  I cried more than I have in a long time...more like sobbing.  This is HARD!  It's hard living without you.  It's hard not having you with me every second of every day.  It's hard not hearing your beeping machines or noisy vent.  I miss the way you would innocently look around, like there was so much to take in.  I miss taking YOU in.  Wrapping you in my arms and smelling your smell.  I just plain miss you. xo  

Sunday, October 3, 2010


It's hard enough visiting your child at the cemetery.
But it makes it MUCH harder when you've seen that someone has carelessly driven right over the top of your child's grave.  
My kids were devastated as were we.
What adds to that is the fact that the local company we are dealing with is being SO SLOW in making Ben's grave marker.  I'm so frustrated.  I would choose to go with another company, but at this point I'm afraid it will set us back that much further.  I was really hoping to get it in the ground before the ground freezes.

It was plain sadness all around today...

Saturday, October 2, 2010


 I'm at my parent's home this weekend.  Tonight I was looking at all the pictures on their computer and came across these two pictures that I didn't even know existed.  SWEET!  And both are happy, smiling pictures.  I think he was under two. 
Tomorrow I'm heading up to visit him at the cemetery.
I miss that contagious smile.