One Month...

It's hard to believe that it's already been one whole month since I have kissed those sweet cheeks of yours. 

One month down...a lifetime to go.

(tears)

VISITING BEN

A letter to my mom...

I went to Massachusetts this weekend with Kaleb and Stevie.  I wanted to visit with Ben.  It's been a few weeks and I am missing him so much.  Today I found this letter that I wrote to my mom back in March.  Only two short months before Ben passed away.

(you can click on the picture to make it bigger)

I forgot I had written this letter.  It was a little eerie reading it today.  Mostly because what I was feeling really did happen.  I know Heavenly Father was preparing me as best as he could.  I am grateful because I was able to have things in order when it finally did happen.  It's still so hard, and as prepared as I was, I really wasn't.  I miss him every second of every day...

PICU VISIT

Today I drove up to DHMC to take care of some physical forms for Kaleb.  While I was there I dropped by the PICU for a visit.  It was so hard being there without Ben.  I know most people associate bad things and suffering with a PICU, but we didn't.  It was always a positive experience for us and we love the people there.  I felt fortunate that there wasn't a lot of suffering involved with Ben.  He just needed the occasional tune-up and extra maintenance before returning back home.  So you see, it was not a bad place for him to be.  I never liked it when he was sick, but I was always confident that they would take such loving care of him and they always did.  The tears flowed today when I entered the unit.  I stayed for a little while, visiting with different nurses, doctors, NP's and tech's.  I'm glad I did.  They were such a huge part of his life.

DELIVERED LOVE

These are my most FAVORITE college friends.  They were all single and I was married when we met.  They were big ball players.  Once they learned I played ball (and was pretty good) we were instant friends.  Today a package was delivered to my doorstep...a package of LOVE!  I LOVE the fact that Leslie made these mini replicas of themselves and glued them onto candy bars.  FUNNY!  (and so cute)  I LOVE chocolate, but not just any chocolate.  And I'm not a fan of the typical 'boxed' chocolates.  But man...THESE.  These are SO GOOD!  A local Rexburg treat.  And the Willow figurine made me cry.  It's perfect.  It's called "Guardian Angel".  I was teary because this is the way that I always held Ben in my lap.  Even when he was almost too big for my lap.  They also included a butterfly necklace to remind me of the dream that a dear friend of mine told about Ben here on the blog.  THANK YOU!   My heart is smiling BIG today.  People have been so kind and so thoughtful during this past month.  I feel so loved.  Ben was so loved.  That's why he lived for 8 miraculous years.  LOVE.  And love is what has sustained me through my grief and will continue to carry me through this life until I can be with him again.  Thank you for loving me and thank you for loving my family.

FUNERAL PICTURES

We blew up some of our favorite pictures for Ben's funeral.  Steve hung them for me this weekend.  A friend of ours gave us a lovely wall hanging that Steve placed in the middle.  It looks SO GOOD!

This quote is PERFECT!

Thank you my friend!

SHARED PICTURES

My dad sent this to me today.  It was from his 7th birthday a year ago.  I'm grateful to see this picture.  It makes me smile.  We had just gotten home from our LONG hospital stay in Utah with the med flight back to the PICU at DHMC.  He had only been home eight days.  24 hours after this picture was taken, we were BACK in the PICU with RSV.  It was sad.  Another LONG PICU stay.  But I'm grateful that he spent his birthday with family at home.  He didn't often give us that luxury.  Something about birthdays and his favorite PICU.  I faithfully made him carrot cake every year.  And I ALWAYS made sure he got a taste.  :)  

I LOVE YOU BENNY!

(and miss you terribly)

FATHER'S DAY

Today has been a tender day.  It's father's day and I have been up since 3am because I have been thinking about how we are celebrating our first father's day without Ben.  I am sad that we can't share this day with ALL of Steve's children.  We miss Ben.  I know Steve misses being able to tease Ben.  Every night as we were heading to bed, he would pick Ben up over his shoulder and tease him about his weight.  Then he would sometimes dance with him and make his whole body jiggle.  Sometimes he would teasingly scold him for keeping us up in the night.  Whatever interaction Steve had with his cute boy was always done out of love.  And I know Ben knew that.  

FRIENDS TO THE END!

I feel SO blessed to know these women.

We are kindred sisters. 

I needed them this past weekend...

and they were there for me.

I couldn't have gotten through without them.

So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so grateful that our children connected us.

Because now we are connected forever.

xoxo

Ben's Elephant

He misses Ben.  Elephant was his constant companion for 7 years.  I promised Ben that I would take care of him while he is gone.  He hasn't left my side very much since.  I have done more funeral posts on my family blog because the pictures come out much bigger.  So please jump on over to check them out.  And be on the look out for the elephant.  He's in almost every picture. :)