I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK...

That YOUR hands were in this...

Welcome to our family Brady Steven Orton

VISITING YOU....

I was in town Friday and snuck down to see you Ben.  It was just me and you...all by ourselves.  That doesn't happen very often.  I talked to you, cried over you and even lay next to you for awhile.  (that is until an older man stopped in his truck, afraid that I had fainted or something because I wasn't moving)  He moved on after he saw that I was okay...at least on the outside.  I miss you Ben.  I physically miss your being.  I miss holding you, touching you, taking care of you.  It still seems so surreal when I'm sitting at your grave, that this is my life now...without you in it.

I LOVE you Ben!

FOR YOU BEN...

I MISS YOU!

BEN'S LILIES

I drove into the driveway this morning...saw the buds had opened,  walked over to see them and cried.  

"Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth..."

I'm grateful that Ben doesn't have to suffer anymore..but how I miss him.

XOXO

Whenever Ben was in the hospital - which was very often - my favorite place to be was in his bed.  He loved hanging out with me and I him. This picture is a treasure.  (thanks to one of his nurses that commandeered my camera)  Being in the hospital was exhausting, sleep was almost non-existent.  But there were moments where I'd give in to the exhaustion and catch a few moments of sleep.  Ben was always so patient during those times.  

How I miss him...

MISUBEN!

I don't even know what to call this post.  "I miss him every.single.minute of every.single.day"?  Or "This is HARD"?  I just feel like I'm being redundant.  But it's true.  And it doesn't change.  Not since he left my presence.  Not since he left my side.  Not since he left my arms.  Today the pain is unbearable.  It's like that some days.  Other days I just repress it.  Today, actually last night, the flood gates opened.  When I saw that picture of the post below...the one a friend sent to me, it opened up some raw emotions that I've kept locked up for awhile.  So today my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from missing Ben.  I stare at his pictures, I smell his clothing, I rub his socks against my cheeks, I spin his hat around on my fingers wishing it was resting on his cute head instead.  

It's amazing to me that I can sit here and think..."I can't believe that THIS is my life".  It's been over a year and when I actually think about it, it still seems surreal.  "Is he REALLY gone?  Has it REALLY been over a year?  Does it ever get easier?"  Probably not.  People say it does, but the hurt is just as great, if not greater than the day that I lost him.  And since I can't hold on to HIM, I'm grateful for all the tangible things that I CAN hold onto while he's apart from me, like his socks and his hat.  And until I can be reunited with him, I'll just keep missing him, every.second of every.single.day.  
xoxo  

EVERYDAY.

A friend sent this to me today.

B.E.N.J.A.M.I.N (by Stevie)

Best brother in the whole wide world

Extra special
Never ever naughty
Just as cute as can be
All I ever could ask for and more
Mine and always will be
I love him to the ends of the earth and back for eternity
Nothing can take him away from me
(found this on my computer today...it made my heart smile)

VISITING...

I took an impromptu visit down south this past weekend to see my parents and Ben.  It was a beautiful day.  Remember the yellow lilies my parents had planted the weekend before?  (see previous post)  The blossoms were GONE as a result of some serious hurricane like weather.  No worries, my mom's always got flowers up her sleeve.  We brought more down to the grave to spruce it up a bit.  

I love that mother of mine!

FLOWERS FOR BEN, FLOWERS FOR ME!

My parents and many friends were so good to visit Ben's grave this weekend while we were up in Vermont.  They added some nice greenery and yellow lilies to his marker.  It's looking really beautiful.

And I came home to THESE on Tuesday.  The colors are so cheery!  

Thank you April and Emily.  

xoxo