Sunday, July 3, 2011


I don't even know what to call this post.  "I miss him every.single.minute of"?  Or "This is HARD"?  I just feel like I'm being redundant.  But it's true.  And it doesn't change.  Not since he left my presence.  Not since he left my side.  Not since he left my arms.  Today the pain is unbearable.  It's like that some days.  Other days I just repress it.  Today, actually last night, the flood gates opened.  When I saw that picture of the post below...the one a friend sent to me, it opened up some raw emotions that I've kept locked up for awhile.  So today my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from missing Ben.  I stare at his pictures, I smell his clothing, I rub his socks against my cheeks, I spin his hat around on my fingers wishing it was resting on his cute head instead.  
It's amazing to me that I can sit here and think..."I can't believe that THIS is my life".  It's been over a year and when I actually think about it, it still seems surreal.  "Is he REALLY gone?  Has it REALLY been over a year?  Does it ever get easier?"  Probably not.  People say it does, but the hurt is just as great, if not greater than the day that I lost him.  And since I can't hold on to HIM, I'm grateful for all the tangible things that I CAN hold onto while he's apart from me, like his socks and his hat.  And until I can be reunited with him, I'll just keep missing him, every.second of  


The Kings said...

oh Becky - I wish I could take the pain away for you. I can't even imagine how hard it must be and hate to think that one day I will :( You are in my thoughts and prayers. xxxx

LL said...

have you heard the analogy of the piano on the stage?
I need to find it for you--it's beautiful.
When you said "will it ever get easier?" it reminded me of this. I will go find it and get back to you.
Love you!

Junior said...

Oh Becky, sending lots of love and hugs, wish we were there to give you hugs in person.

Amy said...

I so wish I knew what to say or do to help make it a little more bearable. I don't. I feel so useless. SO I send you my huggs via this post. Wish it was so much more.

April said...

Oh Becky- I wish I could shoulder some of the hurt for you... I'll be praying for you and your aching arms.

shirlgirl said...

Sweet Becky, I know how you feel. Our losses are different--yours a child and mine my husband--but our hearts still ache, are empty and it doesn't get any easier. There was a woman at the hospice home where Uncle David was who had lost her husband six years ago very suddenly. She told me that "it gets softer." So hopefully our losses will get softer. I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I thought you sounded a bit off when I talked to you on the phone. You have a wonderful support system--husband, children, family, and many friends who love you all so very dearly. We just have to believe that Benji and Uncle David will always be with us even though we cannot touch them, but they have touched our hearts. Sending you lots of love. Aunt Shirley

Bugg's mama said...

{{a biiiig hug}}

xoxo, Bree