CUTE BENNY

I love these pictures.

Wait...I love all pictures of Ben. :)

These are funny to me though because he was sleeping one night and when Steve came home and turned on the light in our room he woke up.  Then he wanted to be held.  Check out his face telling me that I needed to pick him up.  How could you resist holding such a cute boy?  I never resisted.  I always scooped him up and rocked him back to sleep.  How I miss those privileges.

ANOTHER MONTH

FOUR months.  As time passes, it seems as if the "surreal" feeling is wearing off and the "reality" is setting in.  Therefore it gets harder with each passing month.  I miss him more and more each day.  I don't want you to think that I am a walking puddle.  I'm not.  I cry.  Everyday.  But it's a little here and a little there.  Thankfully my kids keep me busy and active.  That leaves little time to sit and feel sorry for myself.  Besides, it's too painful.  I know Ben is happy with how we are continuing on.  We all are pretty adjusted.  I don't like our new adjustments, it still feels so unnatural without him.  Today I ran around doing errands and visiting people. How easy it was to run from place to place, it didn't use to be like that.  It may be easy, but I don't like it.  I loved having a constant companion that required much effort.  It was my life...and that's the way that I liked it.  

SHARING

I LOVED these pajamas.  I bought them for Ben when he was 4 years old.  They were much too big for him but I bought them that way purposely so he would have a few years in them.  4 years.  He wore these almost every other day.  They were perfect for him, so comfortable and warm.  And surprisingly enough, they still look brand new.  Ben has a friend in Australia named Noah.  He reminds me SO much of Ben.  We call him the "dark haired Ben". :)  He's just a year older but close to the same size.  We sent Ben's pj's over seas to Noah because we love him and wanted him to have a piece of Ben's life.  Lisa (Noah's mom) sent me this picture today and it made me cry...in a good way.  We hope Noah gets many years out of these pj's.  They are now the "Brotherhood of the Traveling Pajamas", and Noah wears them well!

MORE

More pictures of cute Ben.  I think he was around 2 years old in these pictures.  He was easier to throw over my shoulder back then.  I could fit his whole body onto my lap.  This was probably my favorite age because I carried him everywhere.  I cleaned with him in my arms, I cooked with him over my shoulder, I typed letters on the computers while he was on my lap.  I could do anything and everything.  And then he continued to grow.  But how I wouldn't change anything about his growth because that meant he was still with me, I just couldn't carry him as easily, but I still did it.  Even up to the very last night....I carried him.

I miss you more and love you deeper.

PURE JOY

That's what I felt when holding Ben.  His favorite place was on my chest and I loved the way his little head fit perfectly under my chin.  I could sit for hours like this.  How I miss holding my sleeping boy.  He was pure joy...still is.

‎"Parents everywhere realize that the most powerful combination of emotions in the world is not called out by any grand cosmic event, nor is it found in novels or history books, but merely by a parent gazing down upon a sleeping child."
Thomas S. Monson

FAMILY SHOOT

This was two years ago.  I regret now not getting another one in last year.  It's not always easy getting 6 bodies together, all dressed somewhat matching, with happy countenances and meeting up with your photographer at said location.  But I'm grateful for these last pictures together.  (thank you EP)  It was a fun day.  These are some of my favorites...although I have lots more.  We have another photo shoot planned in the next couple of weeks and I have some surprises in store.  Stay tuned...

BEN-VIE

I miss this relationship.

Kayla's Experience in her words...

Kayla Orton

Mrs. Hutchinson

English 9

September 13, 2010

Unforgettable

               Have you ever experienced the loss of a loved one?  Do you remember all the emotions that hit you all at once on that terrible day?  You feel disoriented and small, you feel guilty because you wished you were a better family member or a better friend.  I remember thinking "why me?" And "why is this happening to me?"  The shock that hits you is like being bulldozed by a train and the pain that you feel is like a whole piece of your heart and soul has been ripped from you body.  So many emotions could destroy a person and you would rather die then go through the sadness and pain.  I felt all of these the day that my little brother Benjamin slipped from our fingers.

             When I got home from school my mother surprised us with a girls weekend over at our Aunt Jenny’s house.  My sister and I packed and loaded up my brother Ben in his wheelchair and buckled him in to the car.  We drove the two hours in the humid summer weather.  I had to sit in the back seat so I could suction my brother I was not very happy about this, because my mother had to wake me from my nap and tell me to suction him.  I was annoyed at her and wished that she would leave me alone.  When we arrived at my cousin’s house we were welcomed with lots of hugs and exchanging of news.  We settled in and hopped back in the car with me Cousin Sarah and we drove ten minutes to Chilies.  We had a wonderful time at dinner.  My favorite part of the evening was still yet to come, bed!  We stayed up very late and just before we slipped off to bed, I went to give Ben a kiss and an ‘I love you’ before we ran up the stairs and fell straight into the covers.  And little did I know that my perfect weekend would not be so perfect.

            It was May 29^th 2010; it was really early around 4:30 in the morning.  I was asleep in my cousin’s bedroom in Lunenburg Massachusetts, when my Aunt Jenny woke me from my peaceful slumber.  She pulled me up and wrapped both arms around my shoulders.  “Kayla I wanted to tell you that Ben passed away in his sleep last night and your mother wants you with her.”  These were the exact words she spoke to me.  These were the words that brought down the crushing darkness that swaddled me in a black blanket.  No sound emanated form me as I walked down the stairs towards the screaming and the sobbing from my mother.  I entered the room to find my mom clutching the lifeless form of my baby brother and rocking back and forth on the bed.  I walked towards her as she gazed at me with her bloodshot eyes.  I held out my arms and she put Ben into them.  I buried my face in his chest and I could smell death and it scared me.  My mother wailed and said “I’m so sorry Kayla; I don’t know what to do.”  Those words made me sad because I knew it was not my mothers fault that Ben had gone she had no control over what happened.  I looked up from Bens face and told my mother that she had no control, it was Ben’s turn to go.  I also told her that she didn’t have to do anything because there was nothing she could have done, that these things just happen.  My Aunt roused my younger sister and brought her down to my mother and myself.  My father and younger brother had not yet heard of Bens passing and we were working on getting the news to him.  My Grandparents arrived and that’s when we started to call everyone in the family.  Doing that was probably the hardest thing that my mother had to do was call and tell everyone that Ben had died.  When my father had finally arrived everybody left the room and let us have some time with Ben.  That few minutes were probably the hardest in my life having to say goodbye when you weren’t ready to.  But the day will come when he can hold me in his arms and tell me that he loves me and that he lived longer because he felt the love that I had for him.  I will wait for that day to come and until then I will be hoping that Ben is watching out for me.

HIS HANDS

How I miss them.

THIS PICTURE...

was taken when Ben was 4 years old.  Look how cute he is.  I love the sweetness and innocence of this picture.  I love that he would let me get him all dressed up for his pictures.  He was always so patient that way.  I love you Benny!