MERRY CHRISTMAS BEN!

A Christmas Visit.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

HE BELIEVES

These are two of my most FAVORITE Christmas pictures of Ben.  This was two years in a row with the Make-A-Wish Santa Claus.  Very magical.  What I wouldn't give to have this time back with him.  

HO HO HOMEBOY

I love him.

2005

Ben has some serious hat head here.  His hair makes me laugh.  I also love that he's thinking Santa's a little sketchy.  (can you blame him?)  He can smell a fake a mile away! :)

2004

Ben promised Santa that he had been a really, really good boy.

I think Santa already knew that. :)

CHRISTMAS PAST

This week I'm going to post pictures of Christmas past.

This was Ben's first Christmas...8 months old.

Bubble blowing Ben.

He's pretty darn cute, eh?

BENNY'S GRAVE

Today I was shopping in Walmart when a friend of mine sent me this picture.  The tears started to flow.  WHY am I always in that store during tender moments?  At least this time I wasn't anywhere near the Men's underwear aisle.  It makes my heart warm to know that Ben is being watched over when I'm not there.  Even though I've seen his grave a number of times, it still takes my breath away.  What's hard is seeing the frosty grass.  I know I've mentioned it before, but it's so hard to know his little body is so cold, especially this time of year.  I know his spirit isn't there and I know he's not really cold, but it's still painful.  We've never really gone anywhere on Christmas day in the past, but this year we'll be leaving first thing in the morning to head down his way.  It will probably be the hardest visit yet... 

MEMORIES

Today I'm grateful for memories.  I'm grateful that we made many with you, knowing that you wouldn't always be here with us.  Whenever I see this picture, I think of the anticipation of going on your Make-A-Wish trip to Disney World.  None of us had EVER been before.  Thanks to you we were able to take the whole family down for a once in a lifetime vacation.  It was hard work getting you ready to go.  Your trip had to be post-poned 3 or 4 times due to the fact that you were really sick and in the hospital.  The Dr.'s even thought you might not make it.  It was a scary time, but the thought of going somewhere warm and fun with you and the kids kept us hopeful.  After a 40 day hospital stay we finally got to take you home.  (vent and all...just in case you needed it)  It was overwhelming but I was so determined to make it work.  We left 2 days after coming home from Dartmouth.  See how good you look in this picture?  (besides the fact that you are tired)  This was right before we walked out the door to head to Florida.  Thanks for so many good memories Ben.  I need them, especially this month.

xoxo

Mommy

KALEB

I don't always hear much from Kaleb when it comes to Ben.  He tends to keep it on the inside mostly.  But I always know he's thinking of him.  He came home last night and woke me up to show me this picture that he had colored for Ben.

My letter to you....

Benjamin,

I miss you terribly.  Sunday we went to the Make-A-Wish Christmas party without you.  That was hard.  I got most of my tears out in the beginning when I saw your wish granters.  I just couldn't help it.  They were a big part of your life, enabling you and the rest of your family to do such fun things together.  I'm so thankful for those memories and that they made it possible.  After the tears we jumped right into action, helping where we could and just enjoying the spirit that was there.  Your brother and sisters had a wonderful time - no surprise there.  We even got to be on the news because of YOU.  I will never turn away an opportunity to talk about you...even if it means that I have to do it through tears.  Today I took your brother up to Dartmouth to see one of YOUR doctors, Dr. Peppin.  She was your neuro-opthomologists.  Remember her?  She is an eye/brain doctor.  Since Kaleb has a cyst on his brain, she takes care of him too.  She's a little concerned about your brother and thinks he needs to see your most favorite doctor, Dr. Filiano again.  It's been over three years since Kaleb has seen him.  I smiled inside because you know what?  I know he'll take great care of Kaleb and make sure that whatever needs to be done will get done.  He's pretty amazing that way.  Driving up there always gives me time to reflect on the many trips that we would make up there together.  Just me and you.  That was our time and I loved it.  I loved sharing you with the many nurses and doctor's that took such great care of you.  Remember how we would make cinnamon rolls for all your favorites up there and you would wear the Santa hat and we would make deliveries all over DHMC?  I did that with your brother this year, except he wouldn't wear the Santa hat, and he didn't really want to make the deliveries either.  Silly brother of yours.  I missed having you by my side.  I miss doing all of these fun things with you.  I hope you know that.  And I hope you know just how much I miss you and how my love continues to grow for you...

xoxo

Mom