SHARING

I LOVED these pajamas.  I bought them for Ben when he was 4 years old.  They were much too big for him but I bought them that way purposely so he would have a few years in them.  4 years.  He wore these almost every other day.  They were perfect for him, so comfortable and warm.  And surprisingly enough, they still look brand new.  Ben has a friend in Australia named Noah.  He reminds me SO much of Ben.  We call him the "dark haired Ben". :)  He's just a year older but close to the same size.  We sent Ben's pj's over seas to Noah because we love him and wanted him to have a piece of Ben's life.  Lisa (Noah's mom) sent me this picture today and it made me cry...in a good way.  We hope Noah gets many years out of these pj's.  They are now the "Brotherhood of the Traveling Pajamas", and Noah wears them well!

MORE

More pictures of cute Ben.  I think he was around 2 years old in these pictures.  He was easier to throw over my shoulder back then.  I could fit his whole body onto my lap.  This was probably my favorite age because I carried him everywhere.  I cleaned with him in my arms, I cooked with him over my shoulder, I typed letters on the computers while he was on my lap.  I could do anything and everything.  And then he continued to grow.  But how I wouldn't change anything about his growth because that meant he was still with me, I just couldn't carry him as easily, but I still did it.  Even up to the very last night....I carried him.

I miss you more and love you deeper.

PURE JOY

That's what I felt when holding Ben.  His favorite place was on my chest and I loved the way his little head fit perfectly under my chin.  I could sit for hours like this.  How I miss holding my sleeping boy.  He was pure joy...still is.

‎"Parents everywhere realize that the most powerful combination of emotions in the world is not called out by any grand cosmic event, nor is it found in novels or history books, but merely by a parent gazing down upon a sleeping child."
Thomas S. Monson

FAMILY SHOOT

This was two years ago.  I regret now not getting another one in last year.  It's not always easy getting 6 bodies together, all dressed somewhat matching, with happy countenances and meeting up with your photographer at said location.  But I'm grateful for these last pictures together.  (thank you EP)  It was a fun day.  These are some of my favorites...although I have lots more.  We have another photo shoot planned in the next couple of weeks and I have some surprises in store.  Stay tuned...

BEN-VIE

I miss this relationship.

Kayla's Experience in her words...

Kayla Orton

Mrs. Hutchinson

English 9

September 13, 2010

Unforgettable

               Have you ever experienced the loss of a loved one?  Do you remember all the emotions that hit you all at once on that terrible day?  You feel disoriented and small, you feel guilty because you wished you were a better family member or a better friend.  I remember thinking "why me?" And "why is this happening to me?"  The shock that hits you is like being bulldozed by a train and the pain that you feel is like a whole piece of your heart and soul has been ripped from you body.  So many emotions could destroy a person and you would rather die then go through the sadness and pain.  I felt all of these the day that my little brother Benjamin slipped from our fingers.

             When I got home from school my mother surprised us with a girls weekend over at our Aunt Jenny’s house.  My sister and I packed and loaded up my brother Ben in his wheelchair and buckled him in to the car.  We drove the two hours in the humid summer weather.  I had to sit in the back seat so I could suction my brother I was not very happy about this, because my mother had to wake me from my nap and tell me to suction him.  I was annoyed at her and wished that she would leave me alone.  When we arrived at my cousin’s house we were welcomed with lots of hugs and exchanging of news.  We settled in and hopped back in the car with me Cousin Sarah and we drove ten minutes to Chilies.  We had a wonderful time at dinner.  My favorite part of the evening was still yet to come, bed!  We stayed up very late and just before we slipped off to bed, I went to give Ben a kiss and an ‘I love you’ before we ran up the stairs and fell straight into the covers.  And little did I know that my perfect weekend would not be so perfect.

            It was May 29^th 2010; it was really early around 4:30 in the morning.  I was asleep in my cousin’s bedroom in Lunenburg Massachusetts, when my Aunt Jenny woke me from my peaceful slumber.  She pulled me up and wrapped both arms around my shoulders.  “Kayla I wanted to tell you that Ben passed away in his sleep last night and your mother wants you with her.”  These were the exact words she spoke to me.  These were the words that brought down the crushing darkness that swaddled me in a black blanket.  No sound emanated form me as I walked down the stairs towards the screaming and the sobbing from my mother.  I entered the room to find my mom clutching the lifeless form of my baby brother and rocking back and forth on the bed.  I walked towards her as she gazed at me with her bloodshot eyes.  I held out my arms and she put Ben into them.  I buried my face in his chest and I could smell death and it scared me.  My mother wailed and said “I’m so sorry Kayla; I don’t know what to do.”  Those words made me sad because I knew it was not my mothers fault that Ben had gone she had no control over what happened.  I looked up from Bens face and told my mother that she had no control, it was Ben’s turn to go.  I also told her that she didn’t have to do anything because there was nothing she could have done, that these things just happen.  My Aunt roused my younger sister and brought her down to my mother and myself.  My father and younger brother had not yet heard of Bens passing and we were working on getting the news to him.  My Grandparents arrived and that’s when we started to call everyone in the family.  Doing that was probably the hardest thing that my mother had to do was call and tell everyone that Ben had died.  When my father had finally arrived everybody left the room and let us have some time with Ben.  That few minutes were probably the hardest in my life having to say goodbye when you weren’t ready to.  But the day will come when he can hold me in his arms and tell me that he loves me and that he lived longer because he felt the love that I had for him.  I will wait for that day to come and until then I will be hoping that Ben is watching out for me.

HIS HANDS

How I miss them.

THIS PICTURE...

was taken when Ben was 4 years old.  Look how cute he is.  I love the sweetness and innocence of this picture.  I love that he would let me get him all dressed up for his pictures.  He was always so patient that way.  I love you Benny!  

THREE MONTHS

I can't believe it's already been three months.  It still doesn't feel real to me.  Now I understand exactly what others who have lost children mean by that.  I still have daydreams while riding in the car that Ben will be in his beanbag when I arrive home...waiting for me.  But then I snap back into reality.  Sunday night I had to drive Kaleb up for his sleep study and Dartmouth.  It was a hard drive for me because often when I made Sunday night drives to Dartmouth it was to return back to Ben in the PICU after visiting my family for a day.  After I got Kaleb settled in, I headed up to the PICU to visit with some old friends of ours.  And I cried.  The next morning a whole new crew was on and so I went back again.  In my pajamas.  They were used to seeing me in my pajamas.  I could tell they were so happy to see me.  And I was happy to see them.  And then I cried some more.  During one of Kaleb's naps I was walking to the cafeteria to get some water when I bumped into one of Ben's anesthesiologists who LOVED Ben.  He was always so loving and fun with him.  He stopped me to say hello.  And soon after he sort of looks at me and says: "You have a sadness in your eyes, how come?"  My heart sinks.  I didn't even know how to tell him.  I guess I just assume that everyone knows.  He looked concerned and then asks, "Oh no...is he in the PICU again?"  I shake my head no and then mouth the words "He passed" because I couldn't bear to say them outloud.  And that's when the tears come and he hugs me and tells me how sorry he is.  Later I venture upstairs to the outpatient part of the hospital where Ben came for his appointments.  I went up to visit a PICU nurse that recently took a job with Ben's GI doctor.  While I was talking to her, a resident that we saw many times in the PICU must have seen me through the door because he came rushing out and gave me the biggest bear hug I've ever had and told me how sorry he is.  And then I cry some more because I am touched and because it is so hard being there without him. 

Today Steve gave a father's blessing to all of the children.  It's a tradition before the first day of school.  It's times like this that hit me the hardest because even though Ben didn't attend school, he still would get a father's blessing from his daddy.  It was his privilege.  And so my tears flowed again as another special occasion passed.  I miss you Benny!

GRAVE MARKERS

Remember that post I did about Ben's grave marker?  Remember how the guy was supposed to get me a rough draft before proceeding?  How long ago was THAT?!?  He told me in 3 days he'd have it.  I would say it's been close to three weeks.  I finally drove back down today and walked in with a very irritated look on my face.  I didn't have to say anything as the look on his face read GUILTY all over it.  It's hard enough having to walk into one of those places, but to have them prolong the whole process is painful.  I just want it over with.  No more picking out lettering and pictures, deciding what color stone, how big, etc.  The only good news is that I changed my mind on a few things so it would have had to be redone anyway. (wait, is that really good news?) I'm just frustrated that there was never any contact made.  I'd go somewhere else except he's the only local business.  I'm excited to see the finished product though.  Scratch that.  I'm not really excited.  What's exciting about your child's grave marker?  Pretty much NOTHING.  But I'm looking forward to seeing more than just a patch of weeds and dirt.  It will be nice to have his marker done and in the ground.  Now I just need to decide what picture we will use.  Any opinions on a favorite picture of Ben? :) These are just a few...I would love to know what you would choose.