Stevie and the Elephant

Benny was MY constant sidekick, and the elephant was his.  I saw this picture the other day.  (bottom right)  I asked a lady where she got it, she didn't know.  It made me think of Stevie because she often draws and paints herself next to a giant elephant, symbolizing her relationship with Ben.  The other day a friend sent me one of those emails with cute pictures in it.  This picture was in the email.  I love it because it reminds me of Stevie and her brother...I love it because so does she.  

10 Months today

My heart is so sad tonight.  I don't look at Ben's blog too often anymore because it's so, so hard.  But when I have a quiet minute and am missing him terribly, I sit and look.  And then I cry.  And then I sob.  I cry so hard I can't breathe.  And then my husband walks in the door.  Thank goodness.  He put his arms around me as we sit together and look...and then we both cry.  Oh the pain.  This picture makes my arms ache and my heart hurt, but I'm really grateful I have it because looking at it reminds me of how I used to feel while holding Ben.  Look how peaceful we are.  I miss that boy. 

FROM YOUR DAD...

Oh if the words that are in my head would flow down into my fingers.  I have never been a man that could use the written word to express my self, a talent that I have worked at hiding under my bushel.  But here I sit feeling impressed to put my thoughts down on paper.

Let me start with the sweet message that I read this morning on Ben’s blog.  (see previous post)  Have you ever had that moment where the spirit touches you most unexpectedly and you find your self reaching for something or someone?  I sit this morning with 750 students moving around me and the many tasks that await me and all I want to do is reach into my computer screen and hold my boy whose pictures I gaze at. 

There have been moments, sweet moments that I will cherish over the past 8 years.  Ben has never been far from my thoughts or heart, our home is a constant reminder of our eight year blessing.  I love these constant reminders of his life and the love he gave.  But every once in a while I find my self over come with emotion thinking of him.

I find it odd as to what makes these feeling boil to the surface.  A few Sundays ago I was sitting in our regular seat in church. A wonderful woman who is wheelchair bound was in front of us in the spot reserved for handicaps where Ben’s chair used to be.  About half way through the meeting I had my head down when I looked up and saw the back of her wheel chair and for one split second Ben was back, and that this had all been a bad dream.  Then in that same second my heart sank and reality flooded in and there I sat washed over by the emotions of a lost son.

I have not had a dream of Ben since he went to his Father in Heaven which is part of the heavy heart today, I don’t know why that is.  I’ve never felt like I needed one or that I need to pray for one until today. 

I have often thought of what Ben looks like today as he stands, walking amidst those to whom he was called home to teach.  I am grateful more today then ever for the plan that will allow me the opportunity to see and hug and be hugged by my son Benjamin Mckay Orton ..

MY DREAM

Benny, I had a dream about you last night.  You were still in your earthly body and I was taking care of you in the hospital.   There was a certain doctor in the room observing us and I was showing him how I loved to wrap and swaddle you, even as you got older.  He smiled and I know he was thinking how lucky you were to be so loved.  And then YOU smiled.  I know you knew how much I loved you.  (and still do)  I remember feeling such joy as I was in that moment taking care of you.  And then I woke up.  It's always hard to wake up.  But it felt good to be near you again, feeling so truly happy being in your presence. 

Please visit again soon...

xoxo Mom

As life goes on...

...I can't help but really feel the void.  I miss having you by my side at every game, at every function, at every activity.  Wherever I was, you were right there beside me.  I miss how much work it was just to get you out the door every day.  The way I had to plan ahead so that I had time to dress you in your warm clothes with your cute hats that accentuated your already LARGE cheeks.  I miss loading you into your wheelchair (even though you were getting really heavy).  I miss pushing you out the door and right into your van where I would lock your chair into place and buckle you up tight so that you would be safe.  I miss having to look for parking spaces big enough (because the handicap spaces weren't always available) so that your ramp could come down.  I miss being in public because people were always so kind to you.  

I just plain miss you Ben...