Oh if the words that are in my head would flow down into my fingers. I have never been a man that could use the written word to express my self, a talent that I have worked at hiding under my bushel. But here I sit feeling impressed to put my thoughts down on paper.
Let me start with the sweet message that I read this morning on Ben’s blog. (see previous post) Have you ever had that moment where the spirit touches you most unexpectedly and you find your self reaching for something or someone? I sit this morning with 750 students moving around me and the many tasks that await me and all I want to do is reach into my computer screen and hold my boy whose pictures I gaze at.
There have been moments, sweet moments that I will cherish over the past 8 years. Ben has never been far from my thoughts or heart, our home is a constant reminder of our eight year blessing. I love these constant reminders of his life and the love he gave. But every once in a while I find my self over come with emotion thinking of him.
I find it odd as to what makes these feeling boil to the surface. A few Sundays ago I was sitting in our regular seat in church. A wonderful woman who is wheelchair bound was in front of us in the spot reserved for handicaps where Ben’s chair used to be. About half way through the meeting I had my head down when I looked up and saw the back of her wheel chair and for one split second Ben was back, and that this had all been a bad dream. Then in that same second my heart sank and reality flooded in and there I sat washed over by the emotions of a lost son.
I have not had a dream of Ben since he went to his Father in Heaven which is part of the heavy heart today, I don’t know why that is. I’ve never felt like I needed one or that I need to pray for one until today.
I have often thought of what Ben looks like today as he stands, walking amidst those to whom he was called home to teach. I am grateful more today then ever for the plan that will allow me the opportunity to see and hug and be hugged by my son Benjamin Mckay Orton ..