Sunday, August 8, 2010

SELF-LESS

That's how my sister described Ben's passing.  She told me that just maybe Ben felt like it was time to give me  back to his brother and sisters.  I've thought about that a lot.  I think she just may be right.
Today I felt like I received my answer.  My sweet friend Kathy was over for dinner today.  She helped me with Kayla and Kaleb while I was away in Utah with Stevie.  She gave them rides and made sure they were where they needed to be.  During those few days she spent a lot of time in the car with them.  She told me about a particular conversation that she had with Kaleb.
Kaleb mentioned to Kathy how weird it was that all of a sudden mom was out doing everything with them, actually PLAYING with them.  "She's even SWIMMING and JUMPING (on the trampoline) with us."  It's not that I was neglectful with them, it's just that I was hindered in my activities with them because of the care that Ben needed and required.  And they never complained about it either because they loved their brother dearly and would give anything to have him back.  It was almost a realization of what they haven't had.  And I find it funny that he wasn't able to make the connection as to WHY (as of late) I was out playing with them all of the time.  Kathy kindly reminded him why.  
And then it clicked.
It was a realization for myself that Ben was being self-less in leaving.  I think he knows that my time with his siblings is growing short and that they need more of me.  Kayla will be a freshman this year.  That's four short years left that I have with her before SHE will be leaving.  I'm grateful for my sister and Kathy for helping me to come to this realization.  I'm grateful for children who teach me such important lessons while here on this earth.  And I'm grateful for my self-less little boy.  Now if you'll please excuse me...I'm off to PLAY with my children!
(thank you Benny and how I MISS you...)

18 comments:

Bugg's mama said...

That is one of the sweetest things I've ever read! I'm glad that you're embracing this new season that you're in. Your children will drink up every moment along with you.

Love, Bree

PS: The elephant. For sure.

Amy said...

Becky your kids are like mine they love their little brother and never complain about that he comes first, that I miss things or that I on't have the rime to play with them. I know your heart aches for Ben but, as you put it Ben loved you all so much more. Our children have wisdom way beyound their years.

Undaunted ~ My Life One Day at a Time said...

I was wondering when this would come for you. I am glad that you don't feel guilty and can truely see what gift Ben has given you. I love you and understand that feeling of time being so short. I only have 6 short years before Nik leaves. I worry so. You are a remakable woman. I am so lucky to have you as my friend. Love you

Team Carter Jay said...

Thank you for this beautiful post. I have been thinking about this in our own situation. We are so blessed to have had our selfless boys <3

LL said...

that makes me smile!
Your kids are so blessed, all of them!!!

You're so fortunate yourself, they are great kids.

shirlgirl said...

Becky, this is a beautiful post and heart-rendering. Seeing you in all of your recent posts having fun with your children are wonderful memories you are making for them. Don't forget, when Ben was in the hospital, they would come and spend the weekend with you or a few days if they were on school vacation. You managed to find time to play with them then as well only under different circumstances. These are the foundation of a strong constitution for all of you. You are an amazing young woman and have so much to give. Ben was a lucky boy to have such an amazing Mom and brother and sisters and, of course, his awesome Dad who is so understanding. God knew what he was doing when he matched you with Steve and also placing our sweet Ben in your loving care. Love you bunches. Aunt Shirley

Smilin' sunshine said...

you guys are such a great family!

The VW's said...

This post makes me cry happy and sad tears. Ben always seemed like such a self-less boy to me....he may have required lots of attention, but he certainly seemed to go with the flow throughout everything.

I can relate to not having enough playtime with your other children. I feel so quilty sometimes, but I know that they understand and that they love Gavin very much!

Your children have been blessed with many gifts by having Ben here on earth....they have learned many life lessons and will be such amazing adults because of it. And, now they have learned another life lesson, having had to say goodbye for now, to Ben. It's hard to have to see your children suffer, but I have learned that suffering is really an amazing gift from the Lord! Great things come from suffering in the end.

Have fun playing with your amazing children! You are the definition of a "Great Mom" and all your children are blessed to have you! You inspire me to be a better Momma every day! Love and Hugs!!!

Wiggles said...

I so agree with all the above posts. You are an amazing woman. I'm glad I could help you along with your healing process. I love you and the family. Thanks for your love.

April said...

Oh Becky, that was so sweet! Ben truly is a selfless little boy. You are an amazing mother for your children in Heaven and on Earth. I'm so thankful you are able to embrace the time you have with your other wonderful kids- tender as it may be. Love you all!

TMI Tara said...

Tears.

So sweet.

Thank you for your selfless example, Benny. Your family was blessed when you were here and you just continue blessing them. What a very special boy.

Emily B. said...

I think someday you might look back and see that the Lord's (and Ben's) timing was perfect and feel gratitude that you were at liberty to focus your time and attention on your older kids during those tough teen years.

Love you. You're a wonderful mother!

Mandy said...

Oh Becky I just have been gone for awhile and have just gotten caught up on your blog. I have tears of bitter sweet running down my face you are so amazing to me!! What a sweet thing to give your van to Heidi and Junior!! What a gift you have given them!! I love that! I also love all the visits you have had!! What a special trip!!
I loved your revelation you recieved in realizing how much time you now have to spend with your other children who also need you!! You are so inspiring and I love reading your thoughts!! THank you so much for sharing them with us!! You are truly amazing!!

Jenny said...

like.

Jo Jo said...

This is the third time I've had to follow $%^&*(). What the heck? Who is that person? So true. So revealing. So Ben.

Country/City Boy said...

Hey Becky, I'm Lisa King's brother Christian and I've been looking at Ben's blog for awhile and like I do with Lisa and Aaron, I'm amazed how well you do with everything you go for. I'm sure your kids will miss him dearly, but they will also be happy to have their Mum more in doing things with them, so maybe that will help with a little tradeoff. Hope your doing great

The Kings said...

oh wow - my brother commented! :) Nice one Chrish. I'm so glad that you can see the good in what has happened Becky. I can't imagine how painful it must be to not have Ben around, but I'm glad that you are also making the most of your summer and your time with your other kids and enjoying spending time with them. I know that is what Ben would've wanted.

忠姜姜姜蓮 said...

愛情不是慈善事業,不能隨便施捨。......................................................................