Saturday, November 20, 2010

Baclofen Trial

I was looking back through some of his hospital pictures tonight because GOSH DARN IT I miss him.  Tonight I was at a church meeting that happens twice a year.  I was sitting with BB and her husband just like I do every time we go to.  About 10 minutes before the it started, I realized that it was tradition for me to always bring Ben in his jammies because he LOVED being out with us on our date night.  He was welcome company too.  Always so well behaved and very quiet.  His absence hit me hard.  This was the first time we didn't bring him.  And then the tears came...and came...and continued for a little while.  Thank goodness I wore my hair down and could hide behind it.  It's moments like that that hit me completely out of the blue.  These pictures made me smile tonight.  His baclofen trial was done up on the fifth floor of Dartmouth in a part of the pediatric section called "Pain Free".  It's like a version of the OR except way friendlier for children.  And because I was a regular there, they were always so good about letting me stay during the procedure.  They knew I wouldn't get in their way or faint.  They even let me take pictures when they were putting him to sleep.  These were taken sometime in 2008.  I think I was newly pregnant during this stay and really, really sick.  If I remember correctly, I had just had surgery myself the day before to place my port.  My favorite picture of this series is the last one.  He had been sleeping (due to the anesthesia) for hours and I was sitting by his bed waiting and waiting for him to finally wake up when out of nowhere he opened his big, blue eyes.  I always loved seeing those blue eyes of his.  They were so beautiful.  Looking at these pictures makes me miss all those great people up at Dartmouth.  Wishing somehow things would always stay the same but knowing that life doesn't happen that way.  And I also know somehow we grow stronger from our ever changing lives, whether we like it or not.  So I guess it's a good thing, right?  And even though it's really hard, I'm forever grateful for the strength and the growth that I have gained from my earthly experiences because I know I'm one step closer to becoming the  person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be. 
(even though sometimes I go kicking and screaming)

10 comments:

April said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you were missing him on a night that had become a tradition for you both.... I love you.

The Kings said...

Thinking of you - I know one day I started up the tears at the check out at the supermarket just after Noah was diagnosed because the checkout chick asked me how I was. It was NOT the place I expected the tears to flow. I'm sure you will many more of those moments but I'm sure it's perfectly normal.
I LOVE those pics of Ben and I think I spotted him wearing 'Noah's pyjamas'! :)

steven aorton said...

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my little guy. Part of me feels likes it's a long hospital stay, and soon he will be home. Then the tears come and welling in the chest. I miss you Ben and pray for the day that I can be held in your arms. Love always your father on earth.

Jo Jo said...

What a treat to hear from Dad. So tender.

Michelle said...

I'm am so sorry becky how hard it has to be missing him. I wish I could help you or take some of your pain. He was such a special sprit. You are a wonderful mother. Hang in there!

Bugg's mama said...

Big blue eyes......beautiful and full of love. It's like he's giving a hug with his gaze.

Love, bree

Amanda said...

Oh I always leave your blog crying. :) Your family is just SO precious and beautiful! Happy Thanksgiving!

shirlgirl said...

Sweet, sweet Ben and those gorgeous blue eyes. Thanks for sharing these pictures. Love, Aunt Shirley

Baclofen said...

poor kids...God Bless You!

jawbreaker chronicles said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your stories and pictures, as it made my day and I'm pretty sure, everybody's day. God bless and happy holidays (: