A loving gift

Junior and Heidi sent our family this lovely Christmas gift. (scroll down)  Click on the picture if you want to read the poem or see the ornament better.  You might want to grab a tissue or two in case, it's hard to get through it without tearing up.  Thank you my dear friends, from the bottom of my heart.  We are grateful for such loving and thoughtful friends.

DECORATING BEN

My parent's are doing a great job keeping Ben's grave festive.  My mom bought these pumpkins for Ben's grave a few weeks ago and then today my dad came home with this CUTE Christmas tree.  (first Christmas tree to go up in the cemetery by the way)  It wasn't until I was standing there, after he secured the tree in place, that I realized Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this will be our first one without Ben.  But in the midst of sadness, there is much to be thankful for.  I'm so thankful that I was lucky enough to be his mother.  And I'm thankful for the knowledge that we will be reunited with him again someday.  We love you Benny!

Baclofen Trial

I was looking back through some of his hospital pictures tonight because GOSH DARN IT I miss him.  Tonight I was at a church meeting that happens twice a year.  I was sitting with BB and her husband just like I do every time we go to.  About 10 minutes before the it started, I realized that it was tradition for me to always bring Ben in his jammies because he LOVED being out with us on our date night.  He was welcome company too.  Always so well behaved and very quiet.  His absence hit me hard.  This was the first time we didn't bring him.  And then the tears came...and came...and continued for a little while.  Thank goodness I wore my hair down and could hide behind it.  It's moments like that that hit me completely out of the blue.  These pictures made me smile tonight.  His baclofen trial was done up on the fifth floor of Dartmouth in a part of the pediatric section called "Pain Free".  It's like a version of the OR except way friendlier for children.  And because I was a regular there, they were always so good about letting me stay during the procedure.  They knew I wouldn't get in their way or faint.  They even let me take pictures when they were putting him to sleep.  These were taken sometime in 2008.  I think I was newly pregnant during this stay and really, really sick.  If I remember correctly, I had just had surgery myself the day before to place my port.  My favorite picture of this series is the last one.  He had been sleeping (due to the anesthesia) for hours and I was sitting by his bed waiting and waiting for him to finally wake up when out of nowhere he opened his big, blue eyes.  I always loved seeing those blue eyes of his.  They were so beautiful.  Looking at these pictures makes me miss all those great people up at Dartmouth.  Wishing somehow things would always stay the same but knowing that life doesn't happen that way.  And I also know somehow we grow stronger from our ever changing lives, whether we like it or not.  So I guess it's a good thing, right?  And even though it's really hard, I'm forever grateful for the strength and the growth that I have gained from my earthly experiences because I know I'm one step closer to becoming the  person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be. 

(even though sometimes I go kicking and screaming)

TRIBUTE TO BEN

Some of you might know that Steve helped coach the Laconia Varsity Football team last year as well as this year.  Because the coaches and players love Steve, they wanted to dedicate this year to Ben.  We were honored.  The players wore his initials on the back of their helmets in memory of him.  

The team had leftover stickers and so Steve brought them home to put on the kid's basketball sneakers.  They were really excited to be able to honor Ben while on the court.

Here's to YOU Ben.

xo

GRAVE MARKER

This process has been tedious.  I'm hoping we are almost there.  I decided last minute that I wanted to change his picture.  I didn't really like how the other one came out and thankfully a good friend of mine convinced me to change it.  She reminded me that every time I visited his grave and saw his picture, I would always regret not getting it the way that I really wanted.  Sometimes I tend to settle so I was grateful for her advice.  I love his picture for a lot of different reasons.  I love that she captured his hand with his thumb in between his middle and ring finger.  That was classic Ben.  It reminds me of his wonderful nurses and caregivers that took such amazing care of him whenever he was in the PICU.  (it's a sign for N, nurse)  I would love some feedback if you have any.

VISITING MY SON

I hate that it's getting colder.  Even though I know he's not really in the ground, it's hard to know his body is and that I can't do anything to keep him warm.  While I was visiting with Ben, I took a knife from the car and dug up the rocks that made the E and the N so that they weren't 'mashed' into the dirt anymore from the big truck that ran them over.  It looks much better seeing them on top of the dirt instead of mashed into the dirt.  I always try to find something to do while I am there because other wise I just sit and cry the whole time.  

Sitting with Ben gives me time to reflect.  And I find it so interesting that at this point in my life, who would have thought my path would have led to this?  Me, sitting at my son's grave on a cold November evening at the age of 37?  It's not anything I ever imagined for myself as I was growing up that's for sure.  But you know what?  If 8 years was all I got with Ben here on this earth, I'd take it over and over again.  I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be HIS mother.
I love you Ben, and I miss you just as much.

xoxo

Ben's CUTE factor...

...is WAY off the charts with these pictures.  I loved putting hats on him because they accentuated his CHEEKS.  And what marvelous, kissable, squishy cheeks he had...all the way up to the end.

LAST COSTUME

Happy Halloween everybody.  It just isn't the same this year.  I miss being able to dress Ben.  I loved that even though he didn't really care about Halloween, that he was always a part of the whole experience.  This particular year was kind of the grand finale for us.  I told the kids it was the last year I was going all out on costumes.  Kaleb for years wanted to be a Storm Trooper and so we went with the Star Wars Theme.  Kayla was Princess Leia, Stevie was Padme and Ben played the part of a Jedi Master AND Yoda.  He pulled both off quite nicely.  How I miss that boy of mine.  May the force be with you Ben! xoxo

RIBBIT...

FROGS!

I love frogs.

This was Ben's second Halloween and as you can see, 

he was just as happy here as he was during his first year as a skeleton.  

(okay, so he wasn't that happy)  

But he sure made an adorable little green frog.

Karate Kids

This was the year that we literally arrived home from a long hospital stay with Ben the day before Halloween. That's when the creative juices (or not) for last minute Halloween costumes start flowing.  "How about Karate Kids?" Kaleb was in his 4th year of karate and owned a black and white Gi and Ben had his very own Gi as well.  We borrowed one more Gi and had enough to go around.  It was about the least exciting costume for Kaleb (poor boy).  Probably because he wore his Gi's twice a week.  He was a good sport though and went along with the theme.

Today is the 29th.  That means 5 months since Ben passed away.  It's been a hard day for me.  This date seems to hit harder and harder every month.