Happy 8 1/2 Birthday Benjamin

Tonight at Family Home Evening (Monday night tradition) we celebrated your 1/2 birthday.  It was a quiet celebration, but that's the way I wanted it.  I made your favorite cake....carrot cake.  And in honor of your 1/2 birthday, I only made 1/2 of a cake.  We sang you 1/2 of the Happy Birthday song and just enjoyed being together, although we sorely missed YOU.  After I sent everyone to bed, I sat down to watch your memorial video.  I haven't really watched it since your funeral.  It's just too painful.  The music, the pictures, the videos.  It's too much to handle knowing that you aren't here anymore.  WHY?  I know that answer but it is still so very hard to accept.  I miss you terribly, my heart is aching so much tonight.  I can hardly breathe.  I cried more than I have in a long time...more like sobbing.  This is HARD!  It's hard living without you.  It's hard not having you with me every second of every day.  It's hard not hearing your beeping machines or noisy vent.  I miss the way you would innocently look around, like there was so much to take in.  I miss taking YOU in.  Wrapping you in my arms and smelling your smell.  I just plain miss you. xo