Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy 8 1/2 Birthday Benjamin

Tonight at Family Home Evening (Monday night tradition) we celebrated your 1/2 birthday.  It was a quiet celebration, but that's the way I wanted it.  I made your favorite cake....carrot cake.  And in honor of your 1/2 birthday, I only made 1/2 of a cake.  We sang you 1/2 of the Happy Birthday song and just enjoyed being together, although we sorely missed YOU.  After I sent everyone to bed, I sat down to watch your memorial video.  I haven't really watched it since your funeral.  It's just too painful.  The music, the pictures, the videos.  It's too much to handle knowing that you aren't here anymore.  WHY?  I know that answer but it is still so very hard to accept.  I miss you terribly, my heart is aching so much tonight.  I can hardly breathe.  I cried more than I have in a long time...more like sobbing.  This is HARD!  It's hard living without you.  It's hard not having you with me every second of every day.  It's hard not hearing your beeping machines or noisy vent.  I miss the way you would innocently look around, like there was so much to take in.  I miss taking YOU in.  Wrapping you in my arms and smelling your smell.  I just plain miss you. xo  

11 comments:

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Happy half birthday sweet Ben! I wish I could have come eaten some of your (half) cake!

LL said...

a life worth celebrating...
as often as possible!
Love you guys!!!

TMI Tara said...

I'm sorry it's hard, Becky. I wish there were something I could do. Hoping you find comfort during these hard times. Wish there were something I could do. xo

The Kings said...

Thinking of you xxx

Junior said...

Lots of hugs and prayers.
Happy half birthday angel Ben.

Jenny said...

(sorry)
XOXO

Amy said...

miss you and I wish I wasn't so far away ( 2 hours N of DHMC) cause I would let you snuggle with the man and listen to his machinces beep anytime if it would help in any way. :( xxxooo

The VW's said...

I can't even imagine Becky! But, when I try, I can barely breathe as well! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Happy 1/2 birthday Ben! You are SO MISSED! Hugs sweet boy!

Michelle said...

Oh becky I know it has got to be so hard to go through this. My heart is aching for you. I pray you will have the strength to get through this.

shirlgirl said...

Love and hugs, sweet niece!

Emily B. said...

It hurts me that you're in pain dear friend. I love you.