Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Some Moments...

I can breathe.  Then there are moments where I can't.  I was driving in the car with my husband today, not because I wanted to but because he wanted me to.  I'm still not ready for the public.  He promised me I could stay in the car.  So I did.  Besides, I'm not ready to be left alone in my house so I was glad I went.  After I came home I spent some time outside on my trampoline...laying in the sun.  It felt so good.  Then my phone rang.  I recognized the number as one of Ben's many vendors calling.  My heart sank.  I answered the call.  It was his feeding company.  They were scheduled to pick up his IV pump from back when he had his PICC line in and receiving antibiotics.  I had to tell them that Benjamin passed away and so I would be returning his feeding pump and IV pole as well.  So many emotions.  I don't like crying to complete strangers but I don't want to sound like it was no big deal either.  I ended the call as quickly as I could, then turned over on my back and sobbed. I miss that boy...

14 comments:

asplashofsunshine said...

Sounds like some fresh air was good for you. Breathe... I am sure it is easier said than done. Thinking of you.

shirlgirl said...

Oh, sweetie, you are going to have many days like that. Imagine how those people involved with Ben's care feel as well knowing what you and your family are going through right now. Glad you were in the sunshine--God was shining down on you to try to comfort you. Love you.

The VW's said...

Big Hugs!!! And, Prayers!!!

Jenny said...

OH, Becky...
:(

LL said...

i'm sorry.

Junior said...

Oh Becky, sending lots of hugs and wishing we could give them to you in person. Keeping you and your family in our prayers. Love you

KeriLyn and Matthew said...

I can imagine phone calls like that would be hard. I am glad Steve had you go for a ride, and yet allowed you to just stay in the car, if that is what you need right now....enjoy the moment of just laying on a trampoline, and thinking of Ben....he has been a big part of your life, and it is ok to take time to reflect on the memories you have of him....I love that picture of the two of you....the love you have for him and he has for you is so evident. Sending love your way from the northwest.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Becky I am so sorry for your heartache. I can't imagine the sinking feeling in your stomach when you saw that name on your caller ID. I am sure you are not the first Mom to cry on the phone while talking to them, unfortunately.

I am glad you got some time in the sun ... I miss Ben and I never even "met" him!

April said...

Oh Becky, I'm so sorry you had that phone call today. So tender.
I love that picture of the two of you. You both look like you came right out of Heaven.

Ryan*Kendra*Kenz said...

I hate those calls. I hate that I still get calls or letters sending reminders of what is missing. I wish I could tell you what to do. I wish I could hug you and tell you it will be okay. I still dont know. The only thing that these last 6 months are teaching me is to keep breathing. Seems so simple but for us- its so very hard. I know those moments where you forget to breathe. Where you want to stop breathing. Just to hold your Ben again. There are no words to help, to take this pain away. But know- You are loved and Ben is soooo very loved. Dont worry about doing things right or wrong, if you dont want to go out- dont. If you want to go out, do it. If you want to eat a whole gallon of ice cream for breakfast- do it. I love you. I love Ben. Buy a balloon- give it lots of kisses, write a note on it and send it to him. Thats been the only thing that gives me a little comfort somedays- knowing im sending Makenzie something.

Anonymous said...

Oh Becky, I have thought of you all so often over the past several days since I learned of Ben's passing. This site is just beautiful. It makes my heart smile to visit it. I wish there were something I could do to make this not hurt so badly for you. I can definately call any vendors if that would help. You are in my prayers. Lesley

廖淑凡 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼..................................................

TMI Tara said...

Oh sweet Becky. You are NEVER far from my thoughts and ALWAYS in my prayers. I love you and pray you feel Benjamin's love wrapped around you because I know it is!!! xo

William Baker said...

Becky - I have been wishing to hug you and your beautiful family since the day I heard the news; to reinforce with all the love I can muster, the gift Ben was to the world; the gift you were to Ben; and the incredible contribution the Orton/Hutchins clan make to improving this world for the rest of us, one word, one gesture, one blog at a time. I love you all - hugs coming soon :)
Love

Bill Baker and family